Oops...

Recently there have been some things going on behind the scenes where Derick's mama has to move from her home. She and Derick were thinking of doing a possible addition to mine and Derick's current home, for her to stay. She would have her own separate part of the house while Derick and I had our own part of the house too.

As anyone close to me knows, it was not a conversation I was really that interested in having. For many reasons. As much as I love and care for both Derick and his mom, I was not ready for this type of change in my life.

Usually I keep to myself when I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. I'd rather hurt than do something or say something to hurt someone. It causes so much guilt and anger toward myself if I know I hurt someone, regardless if it was intentional or not.

Last night the conversation came up again. In my head, I told myself that I didn't really want to do it. But...turns out, my mouth actually said it out loud. The way it came out wasn't intentional at all. I didn't even want to say anything for fear of hurting anyone's feelings. It was just one of those moments where you slipped up and said something without even realizing it. I am sure that I sounded rude, which wasn't planned at all.

I'm not good at sticking up for myself. I've always come in last place when it comes to putting myself, my ideas, and my feelings before anyone else.

I know that Derick is aware of how I felt every day with our previous living arrangement. While it was more than selfless and generous for his mom to give us a place to stay, it wasn't an arrangement I was entirely proud of or happy to be a part of. I've discussed a lot of it in past posts, and some parts I'll never post for fear or someone twisting my words and then me feeling more guilt. (This is something I'm trying to work on - the guilt part - with my new counselor.)

After my brain caught up with my mouth and I'd realized what happened, the conversation between myself, Derick and his mom became very quiet. (We were at home talking to her on the phone, while she was on speaker phone so we could all talk.) She suddenly had something else to do. I felt bad, and I still do. I don't feel like changing my answer though.

Derick was quiet for a few minutes, but then he just resumed to his regularly playful, joking, happy self. I didn't talk to him about what came out of my mouth (I can't even tell myself that *I* said it...my mouth did) after it happened, but he didn't really seem very bothered or concerned after a few minutes had passed.

I am sure he knows I was not happy in the past. In fact, I know he knows I didn't have the most wonderful time. Each time he would bring up the situation of his mom coming to our house (permanently, mind you), he wouldn't really pressure me or try to pursuade me into letting something happen that he and I both knew would add more to my mental health struggles than helping those struggles. I think he just was "refreshing my memory" per his mom's request.

I know that I wasn't the only one that struggled with the prior living arrangement. Derick wasn't too fond of it either. I am sure he loves his mom of course, but I know he would be so stressed with how much complaining there was some days about our dogs. The pressure of always keeping up with the yardwork sometimes got to him and created 3-day long fights between Derick and his mom.

Once we were "grounded" from leaving the house for a week. We were both in our early/mid-twenties...There were a lot of rules we had to follow that were hard to deal with. We didn't have privacy and most certainly didn't feel like adults. This is an entirely new blog post/subject and I'm not sure I will share online. It will probably be a conversation I will have with my new counselor though.

So, back to the actions my mouth took last night. After I'd realized what was said, I said I just had too much going on and too many things on my plate right now to add one more. I also mentioned that with my counseling it's adding a lot to my life (which it truly is...it's hard for me to open up really - other than in writing - and actually accept advice) and it's really not the best timing.

I don't know if I'll ever find the perfect timing for this type of arrangement to happen, and for me to be more okay with it. Derick and I need to live as adults. When it's time to get married, or work on starting a family, I don't want other people around as it all happens. We've had maybe a total of a year (out of THREE) that it's been just us. If his mom moved in, it would be permanent. If we're together the next 60+ years, that would be like we had basically 1.5% of our lives alone.

I'm very independent. I don't like the "support" or being always surrounded by people. I don't like accepting "help" or having other people pay my bills or live with me (besides Derick...but no roommates etc). I can't change how I feel. I *might* learn to deal eventually, but it's not in the cards right now.

Part of me feels proud that, even if it wasn't intentional, I got my feelings out. Part of me feels guilt that I said something that was hurtful to someone else.

We'll see if the offers for family jewelry still stand after I denied the living arrangement request, but honestly I don't care. I never wanted jewelry. I don't want to be bribed, I don't want materialistic "things" or offers to pay for air conditioning or a back yard as a trade for my happiness. It's been known by both Derick and his mom that I was not interested in this type of living arrangement 2 years ago when we moved out of our duplex, but I dealt with it and was unhappy. Even now, I have the same feelings that never changed and it was known. I guess I was pushed to the point that apparently I couldn't keep it bottled anymore.

I'll be talking to my counselor about this next Tuesday I'm sure. In the meantime, I have this blog to vent. Even if no one reads this, I feel in a way that I've gotten a lot of stress off my shoulders just by writing. And that's what matters.