Well, now that it's the end of February, our lease is coming to an end here in the next month and we've decided to move. Our landlord is increasing the rent, and with the fact that I don't have a job (STILL!) and can't even be guaranteed how much longer I'll have an income, it just doesn't make sense to continue to live here.
For now, I guess we are going to be staying with Derick's mom. It's not too bad, she will not charge too much rent (it will be cheaper for us than staying here, and less than renting our own place like a small apartment), and our dogs will be able to roam around without the worry of not getting a deposit back if they damage carpets or decide to eat the walls (our first female, Teddy, used to chew on the drywall in the basement bathroom when she was a puppy to occupy her time. Weird if you ask me). Our dogs will get all the attention in the world, and will have a backyard to play in and chase bunnies in.
But there is still just something about it that is making me feel uneasy. Like it won't turn out to be a good decision in the end.
Maybe it's the fact that I've been on my own since I was 18, and there was a short period of time where I had help from my family, but other than that, I've been pretty independent. So since we'd be essentially accepting help from someone else, makes me feel not only guilty, but like a mooch. And like I can't support myself.
I like being on my own. And truth is, it's never been just Derick and me. We've always had a roommate. Which is great when you think about the money it saves. But there is never really any privacy. Sometimes, I feel suffocated by having others around us. Like, we can't be a couple really. Because there are others always around us.
It's nice having my sister as a roommate right now, because she isn't so intrusive and doesn't always feel the need to tag along with us wherever we go, or doesn't always try to pry into our relationship. In fact, she is always either spending time with our parents and other sisters (lucky, I wish I was able to see my family as often as she can! Maybe when I get a job, I'll be able to afford to drive out there and see them), working, or at her boyfriend's house in Post Falls.
I just feel like this time it will be different. Derick and his mom have a very unique type of bond/relationship. They grew up with only each other. Derick's dad left when he was a baby (insert sad face here), and his mom is a single, 50-something. They have other family here, but they're not as close with the rest of the family as they are with each other. And because I am Derick's girlfriend, and we live together, I get to take part in that bond as well.
We all 3 do our grocery shopping together, we will soon be living there, and in the fall we all were looking at homes together, when Derick and I were talking about buying a home. Obviously that wouldn't happen for quite some time, but it's nice to see our options. They talk about all 3 of us joining a Verizon cell phone plan together (but honestly I just feel like that defeats the purpose of me wanting to be on my own and for Derick and I to have a life separate from our parents and families).
Maybe I just like being by myself (or with a boyfriend, just without parents/roommates) because that is what I'm so used to. I am grateful for the offers from both my parents and from his mom, as far as living arrangements and the times they've assisted with bills, grocery shopping etc. But I just feel like I want to be able to be alone. (By alone, I mean, just Derick, me, and our dogs.) I want to be able to live like we are our own little family. I want to have privacy, where I can roam the house in my underwear all I want and not have to worry about other people seeing me. I want to be able to grocery shop for ourselves, BY ourselves, without any interruption. I want to be able to live as an adult, and not as a child that needs help with everything.
I know that, unfortunately, I pretty much put myself in this situation due to the fact that I don't have a job. And there aren't really any other options. Since, well, we do have 5 dogs, all 1 year old or younger. Which a lot of places will only let you have 2 or even 3 dogs or cats or whatever kinds of animals. And there is generally a hefty deposit that comes along with it. Plus, our dogs can't be cooped up in an apartment all day, they need to have a yard to run around in, now that spring and summer are just around the corner.
But I just wish that, not only with the living situation, but all other aspects of our lives, we could get through life together, without always having people tagging along for the ride, whether it's roommates or parents. I feel like we can't live as adults, because we always are having help from his mom. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for her support. I'm just not used to having someone else as a part of my relationship. I'm just used to it being me and a boyfriend (at least, in the past that is how it always was...well, for the most part).
My relationship with my parents is different than what Derick and his mom have. My parents help when I ask them to, which is very rare, but they aren't always asking about how our relationship is, or telling us what to do. Especially when I know how badly they want to give me advice, they leave it to me to figure out everything on my own. And I like that. I like that they don't feel like they have to wander the aisles of Wal-Mart and Fred Meyer with us. I like that they aren't always calling me, that they give me space. That they don't always try to tie themselves to me with things like organizing my bills for me, adding me to their Verizon cell phone plan, or asking me to come over every single weekend.
They allow me to live my life separately, now that I am adult, and it's just what I'm used to. And what I like, how I prefer to live. And even though they treat me the exact way I like to be treated, I still would not want to live with them (or have them live with me) unless a nursing home was their only other option. That's how I feel about all parents with grown children. The parents did their job raising their kids, now the kids need to have their own separate lives from the parents. Until the parents are mentally/physically unstable and cannot care for themselves anymore (I'm talking about getting Alzheimer's, cancer at an old age - and by old I mean like 70+, or having to use a wheelchair), the children and parents should live each on their own.
I am just afraid if I were to ask for more space from, not my parents (because what a walk in the park that would be, considering I already have the space I want/need), but from my significant other's mom, there would be tension. Especially since we would be living with her.
At her house, there are two levels of living area. She lives upstairs where there are two bedrooms, a living area, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining area, and a little office nook. I was under the assumption that we would be living in the basement. Where there are 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, storage space, and a separate living area. We would only go upstairs to eat if we needed to. So that we would still have some feeling of separation, like we are adults. Derick is terrified of spiders, and the basement gets a few of them, but he wants to live upstairs. I don't. I want to feel separated, like we are by ourselves.
I feel like living under the same roof, and being literally closer, is going to break me. I like separation and space. I like having independence. I don't want to put a damper on that. Because it won't make me happy. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm as happy as can be right now anyway, due to the job situation. But it sure wouldn't help me, that's for certain. But even my parents don't think it's a good idea to live under either of our parents roofs. My dad even had a pretty lengthy conversation with me about how he doesn't think I should live with parents, whether it's my own or someone else's. He thinks I should continue to be independent (as I just typed that word, I was singing it like in that rap song that goes I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that mean mayne? Haha) as I am a grown woman and an adult and not a kid anymore.
As much as a relationship is about compromise, I feel like there are times where it is ok to be selfish. But I also feel like what I'm willing to agree to is still compromising. Like this: I'm agreeing to stay there, as long as we can be in the basement. Because he wants to move there (if I had my way, I'd get a cheap studio apartment and hide my dogs), but I'd want to stay in the basement. So I'd agree to stay there (giving him his way about the place we'd live), only if we could come to an agreement to stay downstairs (I choose to live downstairs instead of upstairs).
I used to live with an ex and his parents, nearly 2 years ago. Their house was only 1 level, but their bedroom and the laundry room were on one side of the house. The kitchen/dining/living room were in the middle of the house. Then our room and bathroom and guest rooms were on the opposite side of the house, so there was still a feeling of separation. I didn't want to live there, and I voiced my opinion so many times that I wanted to live alone, but what I said didn't matter. So I sucked it up and stayed there for just over a year, but I wasn't happy. I didn't have the privacy or space I needed. Friends couldn't come over to hang out (not that I really have any anymore...) and I had to follow someone else's rules.
I still felt like a child and that is how I feel now. Like I won't be able to be an adult, on my own. I won't have time with just Derick and me. We will always have others surrounding us. I'm usually pretty good at adapting to new situations, but I don't like the suffocation I feel when we can't be alone.
I'd just like to be able to go to Wal-Mart or Fred Meyer, just us. I want to be able to pay bills, just us. It would be fabulous to live, just us (and our dogs, and maybe if Derick wasn't so allergic to cats I could get my Booter boy back).
I don't really know how to say it without sounding so harsh, but I'd just like to have minimal contact/interaction with truly everyone and just be able to live a life focused on being a couple. Without interruptions from others wanting to be a part of our relationship. Without having to have others support us financially.
I also don't have a clever way to end this post. But could certainly use advice on how to handle this situation. That is, if anyone reads this. Ever.
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