Vent.

Well, it's been a while since I've written. So crazy to go back and read my posts, starting from #1, to see how much my life has changed. A year ago, I was loving life (just days before I was in a car accident where my pelvis was broken). I had a fabulous job where I made nearly $36,000 per year, I had great friends, and felt like I was on top of the world.

I didn't exactly come out and say it in my last post, but I sort of mentioned applying and interviewing for jobs. July 3 was my last day with American Family Insurance. I worked there for about 4 months after leaving Safeco Insurance. Oh, what I would do to be able to go back in time and keep my job at Safeco. It's just too bad, I guess, that they weren't able to help come up with a way for me to keep my job there *and* be able to see a doctor for a broken pelvis.

Anyway, since I lost my job with American Family (I'm not going to go into details right now, but I almost think it was a blessing in a crazy, twisted sort of way), I've been on the constant search for a job. Submitting an average of 10 resumes and/or applications to different companies per week has become my weekly job. Some weeks there is more to apply for than other weeks, it all just depends. I've had maybe 5 in-person interviews the entire time I've been unemployed, countless telephone interviews, and what seems like an infinite amount of resumes and applications have been submitted in the past 6 months.

People who have jobs, and have never been unemployed (or maybe have been employed but not in the last, say, 5 years) do *not* know how difficult it is to find a job right now. I never hear the end of it, people saying, 'oh, there *is* work out there, you just aren't looking hard enough', or this one: 'just go work part time in retail/fast food/some-part-time-minimum-wage-job until you find something better.' Honestly, those are the two lamest statements I have heard on this issue.

I'll just come right out and say it; I make $386 per week, after taxes are withheld, from my unemployment benefits. No, I am not proud to be 'living off of the government' (as some of my 'friends' have said), but I *am* grateful to be able to take advantage of unemployment insurance benefits. Without them, I would not have a roof over my head, a vehicle, a phone, internet access to be able to search for and apply for local jobs, and most of my belongings would have been sold.

Here's the thing, and it might be a newsflash to those giving me a constant lecture about working part time, for minimum wage, or a combination of the two: if I bring in more money while collecting unemployment benefits and am still in a bit of a bind, how in the world would it make any logical sense to take a job where I'd make, say, &800 per month? Or to travel 40 miles, into a state that deducts State Taxes, for a starting wage of $11 per hour when after taxes and gas expenses, I'd bring home $8.50 per hour? To say that I have a job and to be proud to work, even if I can't pay my bills, at all? Call me selfish, or a 'whore' that lives off of the government. But I'd rather collect these benefits so I can pay my bills, until a job that pays enough to support my monthly rent, car payment, auto and renter's insurance, phone, food, utilities, and internet bills. Yes, I might be a tad bit picky when it comes to which jobs I apply for. But it's because I want to stay on top of my bills, instead of being evicted from my home and having to declare bankruptcy because I lost all financial control of everything. I worked for 6 years straight before I ever collected unemployment benefits, I paid into unemployment insurance for that entire time, and so while I am searching for a job, I feel that I have the *right* to these benefits (not to say I have the right to take the benefits for granted, but I should not be pressured to feel guilty for taking advantage of a sort of 'insurance plan' while I search for a job).

It would be different if I was on welfare, where I had no job search requirements to fulfill in order to get a paycheck. I do not sit around all day, bake cookies, go shopping, and ignore the fact that I should be looking for a job. I don't pop out a new baby every 9 months so that the government will pay all of my bills for me. I don't use the money I receive each week to go buy drugs or participate in any illegal activity.

I fulfill the job search requirements asked of me by the Employment Security Department of Washington State, and even apply for more jobs and submit more resumes than what is asked. Its just that, unfortunately, I rarely will hear back from any companies that want to invite me to their office for an interview. So stop telling me I am being irresponsible for having tattoos (or getting a new one in the time I have not been employed), and stop telling me I am an irresponsible person for having 5 dogs when I don't have a job. Stop telling me I am lazy. Stop telling me to go find a part time job at the mall selling candy or jeans or shoes or clothes. Stop telling to quit spending money on bleaching my hair. Stop telling me to not go on occasional dates or to dinner with my boyfriend.

It gets you nowhere. Nowhere. All it does is add to the constant stress I am under already. It adds to my anxiety and depression. I am an adult. I am a person - with feelings. I know how to make smart decisions - my parents raised a smart daughter. I think of how each decision I make will affect me, and those around me, in the future. I am not an idiot because I don't have a job right now. Think about the words coming out of your mouth and directed toward me, and how it might make me feel.

I guess I am just tired of people just trying to kick me when I'm already down. How does my job search interfere with your life? It doesn't (unless I am living under a roof with you, then you have my permission to give me your input). Positive advice and caring words are encouraged, but negative comments aren't. I could go the rest of my life without hearing another lecture about collecting unemployment or not having a job, and I would be just fine.

I would just appreciate if the people that care about me (or the ones that 'say' they care) would just send prayers my way, be helpful, provide advice to me, and give me pep talks about how I *will* find a job, and everything will be great in the end.

It's hard enough having to deal with the constant criticism of my status of employment. Add that to having to clean up after 5 dogs and 2 other people. Taking care of all the bills. Laundry. Dishes. Feeding the dogs. Potty training. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. Sweeping. Mopping. Cooking. Running errands. And never living up to people's unrealistic expectations of what I should be doing with my days.

I don't deserve or need or want constant praise, but sometimes, a little 'hey, the house looks nice',  'can I help revise your resume?' (which a lovely friend did offer and helped me better my resume), or 'hey, do you need someone to listen while you vent?' would be nice. I just feel like this world only strongly focuses and points out the negatives, everything someone does wrong, instead of recognizing when something great is happening. I know that would sure make things a whole lot easier for me.

Maybe someone will read this, and agree with what I'm saying. Maybe not. I just felt like I needed to vent about this, since I have no one to talk to about it in person, and it all comes out better in writing.

Hopefully my next blog post won't be as negative as this one. Of course I don't mean to come across that way, but sometimes you have to put on your 'grumpy pants' and get it all out. ;)