Jessica, a friend of mine, read through my blog post and made me realize that when I was writing out how I was feeling yesterday, it gave my 'audience' more of the feeling that I was attacking the relationship that Derick's mom has with him (I don't want to say the relationship that they have together, because the 'clingy-ness is only really one-sided). And that was truly not my intention, to 'attack' the type of relationship that it is, but that is how it ended up coming out.
After Jessica read through my post, she was totally understanding. Thankfully. Others were not, so I'm glad I was able to get some input from someone who has been in my shoes before, someone with a similar 'independent' personality who understands the frustration I'm feeling with it all.
She gave me some really great pieces of advice, and I thought I'd share. She's wise beyond her years, and she put everything so much more eloquently than I ever could. I think it will really help me be able to confront the situation in a more comfortable way where everyone involved won't feel so hurt once it's all said and done.
!) Even though she is graciously letting you live there too, ultimately she is his mother and they have the stronger bond. (This part in parenthesis is not what she said, but one think I've come to learn over the years is that in a relationship, although the parent/son bond is stronger, the relationship - meaning the husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, etc. - comes first, always.) If he talks to her about the space issue, then it might not be so hard to swallow, since it is coming from her own son.
She's right here. Although it is something that bothers me, (not necessarily how close Derick's mom wants to still be with her son in his adult life, but the fact that I feel like that aspect of their relationship will create a lack of space and privacy for us), Derick should stand up for me and how I feel. Relationships come first, and as much as I don't want him to be put in the middle, he has to be there. I fear that if the request for space came directly from me, it would cause tension which I know that none of us want. That way, if Derick were to mention it, it wouldn't be really be such a 'harsh' request since it would be coming from him. And it would also prevent me from being looked at as the Monster-Daughter-In-Law, because that is certainly not who I am (nor do I want to be that person).
2) I would talk to Derick about it, but you should tell him your feelings about it if you haven't already. I would hate to have resentment build up inside you for not talking your problems or frustrations out. Tell him how important it is to you that you have your space, and not just that you want to be on a different floor in the house or be on your own phone plan. It is about the two of you trying to create your own identity TOGETHER. I completely understand that! (here is something to tell him: http://gqgirl.hubpages.com/hub/Why-is-the-wedding-ring-on-the-4th-finger).
Again, she's a genius. She really knows how to put the words in my head on paper (so I can translate them into verbal conversation) without sounding like such a selfish person. I have such a hard time really talking to anyone about anything, because it's easier for me to write everything out. It's like my own way of coping. I have a hard time putting the right words together, and I end up rambling and going on and on to the point where I'm so off-track that what I'm trying to say doesn't make sense out loud. I like to write everything so that I can edit and re-word everything so that it ends up making sense without me struggling to get the right words out.
Anyway, because I have a hard time talking about things, I just have to hold a lot of things inside because I don't know how to get them out. With Jessica's help, as far as what needs to be said (and how she worded everything), it will certainly help me be able to voice my opinions and express how I feel. Because it really is about just wanting to create our own identity with one another rather than wanting to shut someone else out.
The link that she sent me is something I saw on Pinterest a while ago. I'm not going to go into it (you can click the link to read what it's all about) but I must say that I agree with everything it has to say. Essentially it explains how relationships with parents, siblings, and children eventually become separate but the relationship with your partner will always be a 'together' relationship. And I totally agree with it. Which, again, was pretty much the point of my post yesterday, that just like my parents and I, and my sisters and I, have separate lives, I feel like that's not the case with Derick's mom and him (in her head). And it's weird to me.
3) Don't play the guilty game. That you feel guilty that you are being selfish. You are independent, and some people are born to be independent. Some people are just that way, that they need to be alone. Don't feel guilty about yourself by wanting to, at the very least, be on different floors. I don't think I could ever live with my parents again, even with our relationship as awesome as it is. It's not that kids shouldn't live with their parents, but that it can be difficult for some personality types to cohabit together with parents.
YES! I am not just pulling this 'independence card' either. When I dated Josh a few years ago, we lived with his parents for about a year. I went from being on my own to living with parents, and it just didn't work (I think I posted about this yesterday??). Even though we had half the house to ourselves, it still wasn't right. It didn't feel separate. And I just had a hard time with it. Near the end of the relationship, I'd stay at work 3 hours late every day just to avoid going home. I don't want that to happen here, especially since I truly believe that is one of the things that drove Josh and I apart. No, I do not wish for things to be different, because I love Derick very much, with all my heart and everything I have. I just don't want to be in a similar situation as I've been in before, where it played a role in the reason the relationship failed.
Jessica then went on to give me this advice: I would just sit him down and explain things. He may already know a little, but maybe he feels that you are trying to push him away from his mother by you asking to be on separate floors. (Some people take trying to make space as either replacing the person you are asking for space from, or trying to push them out entirely.) Just support his relationship with his mom, but some things need to stay between you and him. (I had this problem, haha, so I know...) Like, say to him - you need space to yourselves, you need to not be sharing every detail of your life together with others, and you need at least some sort of identity of a couple while you remain living with his mom. That way it is not attacking his relationship, strength, or the living situation with his mom, but rather building the relationship and living situation that you have with him.
Gosh, two years younger than me and 15 years wiser, I swear. She also suggested designating days to tell our parents/friends/family etc to essentially give us a little space, and let us have time with just each other. For example, designate Sundays as 'family days', or dedicating the day to just each other, and let everyone else know that it's our day for only each other so they will have to wait until Monday to talk to us or see us. I think it's a really good idea, I'm just unsure how to bring that up. Because now I feel like there is so much I'm asking to change...
Jessica went on to also mention this: Here is some advice someone once told me, if you don't stand behind your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, partner or whatever, who will you stand behind? Ultimately, if you two are getting married, does he want his mom there on your honeymoon when the kama sutra book breaks out? Does he want his mom there at the conception of your first child? It's a drastic change in living together to her being there during sex, but the theory is still the same. He is your partner, and he should stand behind you on this. When you are married, is he going to back you up, or is he going to back up and stand by his mom? He should stand by you.
(Man, Jessica, I am giving you so much praise tonight! But you so deserve it. :] )
She's right. AGAIN. If I was saying I wanted to move far away and he wasn't allowed to see or talk to his mom, then he should not be on my side. But I'm just asking for a separate relationship, and that isn't asking too much. He should stand by me. Not saying that he doesn't (mostly because I've not known how to really say anything about this entire subject so he probably is super clueless about it all!), but when it comes time, he should stick up for me and how I feel. Especially since it's not too much to ask.
Here is another great piece of advice, and Jessica told me not to give her credit, because it came from a Step-Mom that Jessica vents to and is great friends with (Jessica is basically already a Step-Mom to her fiance's son, but it won't be legal until October - ? - until she is 'officially' Kai's Step-Mom). Credit goes to The Childless Stepmom. She said: 'Today, if you're in Hell, you're supposed to be there. Hunker down, grit your teeth and let it make you great. Today if you're in Heaven, you're supposed to be there. Be THANKFUL for it, allow it to humble you and make you remember how amazing those good days are.' Then Jessica added to it and told me, 'Today is stressful and Hell because of the situation, but you are meant to be there. It will sort itself out and you will grow from it. (Insert cute little heart here.)
That is what really hit me. I have always been a true believer in 'everything happens for a reason'. This is just confirmation of that, and thankful I've had someone here to fully help me understand and realize that this bumpy patch of stress and unhappiness in certain areas of my life is just a phase and will all be over soon.
I really needed this conversation to happen, because it gave me a lot of clarity and helped me to be able to re-organize my thoughts, and now I know what I need to do. I don't regret anything that I've said in my past post, because it's the only way I knew how to get out what I needed to say. But I know how to better word things, with a more positive outlook on my frustrating situation. And I owe it all (for now) to Miss Jessica. :)
I think its really cool that you can take in everything a person tells you, sit down and just put the puzzle together. I've never been able to do that and I think that continuing to follow your blog will help me sit back and think about who I want to be and grow as a person because I can relate to you in a way.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing, Mandy :)