Well, it's been quite a while. Oops!
Last time we chatted, I was struggling with a few things: being unemployed, living with Derick's mom and not having space, struggling financially (although I'm not sure I posted that but I'm sure it's obvious with the fact that I didn't have a job).
Boy, how times have changed. Not a bunch. But things have picked up and gone the right way. At least for now.
About 2 weeks after my last post, I applied to work for a health insurance company in their call center. I was at the end of my unemployment with only about 4 weeks left until I'd no longer have anymore income. I figured, whatever job is offered to me next (hopeful, not expectant), I'd have to take it. Even if it paid $10/hour.
I received a call on a Wednesday, to come in either Thursday or Monday for an interview. Wow! I was so happy! It had been a LONG time, many months, since I'd been even offered an interview.
I go to my interview and feel really comfortable with the two individuals interviewing me. It was nice because they weren't just "straight-to-business". They laughed and made a few jokes and it felt like I was talking to my friends that I'd known forever. My interview went really well, and I found out that they were hiring just 2 people.
I really knew at this point that I had to do my best and cross my fingers and pray that they like me and see my potential. When I went into the interview, I assumed it was like any other similar job around, offering $11-12/hour. When I was given the opportunity to ask questions, I asked what the starting wage was, and I was blown away when Alex (one of the interviewers) said "I think $16.37 or something around there).
GOSH!!! I HAVE TO GET THIS JOB NOW!
After I was done with the interview, I had an assessment to do, finding things on the company's website to show my computer navigation skills.
Luckily all of this paid off, and the following week I was offered a job. I started on April 16, and I couldn't be more happy and feel more blessed to work for such a wonderful company.
Switching gears for just a second: Derick and I just had our 2 year anniversary back about 2 weeks ago. Just before our 2 years, we started seriously talking about buying a house, right after I got hired at my current job.
Our neighbor is a mortgage lender, so he helped us get pre-approved for a house. We felt such a great sense of pride and finally felt somewhat "grown up" because we knew we could buy a house.
We worked with one Realtor originally, unfortunately even though he's a great family friend, the business relationship didn't work out. We toyed with the idea of new construction, and then saw how expensive it could be to build a new house. We then made the decision to look at "fixer-uppers", but didn't find anything that we could imagine fixing to our liking, and making our home.
After this, we sort of gave up for awhile, until my co-worker mentioned they just bought property and were building for a good price with a builder that Derick and I hadn't even checked out yet. We ended up finding an amazing plan with this builder, for a fabulous price on a HUGE lot (12,000 square feet - most pieces of land here are 5000-6000 square feet, so we had a "lot" of space compared to most other new construction homes).
We already wrote the offer on the land, which was accepted. We just have one final meeting with the builder (a little over a week from now) to finalize the floor plan and see if our offer can be accepted for the plan we want. If so - our Realtor stated that construction should begin on or around September 15!
WE ARE SO HAPPY!!!!!
We got the lot right next door to my co-worker, so it will be nice having a friend and someone we know, living next to us. Turns out, he married one of my high school classmates. Such a small world!
They have dogs too, so hopefully our 5 and their 2 (and maybe one more) will get along, and not have barking contests! (Ok, I'm dreaming...haha.)
We've purchased a new couch and dining set for our new home already. Oh, and a nice dresser (more of a decorating piece). We're about to go get one of those ladder shelves to put in our new living room. (I love Labor Day sales!)
That's it for now. Until next time, my dearies!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Following Positive Advice.
Yesterday after I posted on my blog, a few of my friends read through it and gave me some pretty great advice. It is always so nice having others' input about what you should do in any situation, to see if there is a better way of handling what you're going through, or to see if you are in the wrong at all.
Jessica, a friend of mine, read through my blog post and made me realize that when I was writing out how I was feeling yesterday, it gave my 'audience' more of the feeling that I was attacking the relationship that Derick's mom has with him (I don't want to say the relationship that they have together, because the 'clingy-ness is only really one-sided). And that was truly not my intention, to 'attack' the type of relationship that it is, but that is how it ended up coming out.
After Jessica read through my post, she was totally understanding. Thankfully. Others were not, so I'm glad I was able to get some input from someone who has been in my shoes before, someone with a similar 'independent' personality who understands the frustration I'm feeling with it all.
She gave me some really great pieces of advice, and I thought I'd share. She's wise beyond her years, and she put everything so much more eloquently than I ever could. I think it will really help me be able to confront the situation in a more comfortable way where everyone involved won't feel so hurt once it's all said and done.
!) Even though she is graciously letting you live there too, ultimately she is his mother and they have the stronger bond. (This part in parenthesis is not what she said, but one think I've come to learn over the years is that in a relationship, although the parent/son bond is stronger, the relationship - meaning the husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, etc. - comes first, always.) If he talks to her about the space issue, then it might not be so hard to swallow, since it is coming from her own son.
She's right here. Although it is something that bothers me, (not necessarily how close Derick's mom wants to still be with her son in his adult life, but the fact that I feel like that aspect of their relationship will create a lack of space and privacy for us), Derick should stand up for me and how I feel. Relationships come first, and as much as I don't want him to be put in the middle, he has to be there. I fear that if the request for space came directly from me, it would cause tension which I know that none of us want. That way, if Derick were to mention it, it wouldn't be really be such a 'harsh' request since it would be coming from him. And it would also prevent me from being looked at as the Monster-Daughter-In-Law, because that is certainly not who I am (nor do I want to be that person).
2) I would talk to Derick about it, but you should tell him your feelings about it if you haven't already. I would hate to have resentment build up inside you for not talking your problems or frustrations out. Tell him how important it is to you that you have your space, and not just that you want to be on a different floor in the house or be on your own phone plan. It is about the two of you trying to create your own identity TOGETHER. I completely understand that! (here is something to tell him: http://gqgirl.hubpages.com/hub/Why-is-the-wedding-ring-on-the-4th-finger).
Again, she's a genius. She really knows how to put the words in my head on paper (so I can translate them into verbal conversation) without sounding like such a selfish person. I have such a hard time really talking to anyone about anything, because it's easier for me to write everything out. It's like my own way of coping. I have a hard time putting the right words together, and I end up rambling and going on and on to the point where I'm so off-track that what I'm trying to say doesn't make sense out loud. I like to write everything so that I can edit and re-word everything so that it ends up making sense without me struggling to get the right words out.
Anyway, because I have a hard time talking about things, I just have to hold a lot of things inside because I don't know how to get them out. With Jessica's help, as far as what needs to be said (and how she worded everything), it will certainly help me be able to voice my opinions and express how I feel. Because it really is about just wanting to create our own identity with one another rather than wanting to shut someone else out.
The link that she sent me is something I saw on Pinterest a while ago. I'm not going to go into it (you can click the link to read what it's all about) but I must say that I agree with everything it has to say. Essentially it explains how relationships with parents, siblings, and children eventually become separate but the relationship with your partner will always be a 'together' relationship. And I totally agree with it. Which, again, was pretty much the point of my post yesterday, that just like my parents and I, and my sisters and I, have separate lives, I feel like that's not the case with Derick's mom and him (in her head). And it's weird to me.
3) Don't play the guilty game. That you feel guilty that you are being selfish. You are independent, and some people are born to be independent. Some people are just that way, that they need to be alone. Don't feel guilty about yourself by wanting to, at the very least, be on different floors. I don't think I could ever live with my parents again, even with our relationship as awesome as it is. It's not that kids shouldn't live with their parents, but that it can be difficult for some personality types to cohabit together with parents.
YES! I am not just pulling this 'independence card' either. When I dated Josh a few years ago, we lived with his parents for about a year. I went from being on my own to living with parents, and it just didn't work (I think I posted about this yesterday??). Even though we had half the house to ourselves, it still wasn't right. It didn't feel separate. And I just had a hard time with it. Near the end of the relationship, I'd stay at work 3 hours late every day just to avoid going home. I don't want that to happen here, especially since I truly believe that is one of the things that drove Josh and I apart. No, I do not wish for things to be different, because I love Derick very much, with all my heart and everything I have. I just don't want to be in a similar situation as I've been in before, where it played a role in the reason the relationship failed.
Jessica then went on to give me this advice: I would just sit him down and explain things. He may already know a little, but maybe he feels that you are trying to push him away from his mother by you asking to be on separate floors. (Some people take trying to make space as either replacing the person you are asking for space from, or trying to push them out entirely.) Just support his relationship with his mom, but some things need to stay between you and him. (I had this problem, haha, so I know...) Like, say to him - you need space to yourselves, you need to not be sharing every detail of your life together with others, and you need at least some sort of identity of a couple while you remain living with his mom. That way it is not attacking his relationship, strength, or the living situation with his mom, but rather building the relationship and living situation that you have with him.
Gosh, two years younger than me and 15 years wiser, I swear. She also suggested designating days to tell our parents/friends/family etc to essentially give us a little space, and let us have time with just each other. For example, designate Sundays as 'family days', or dedicating the day to just each other, and let everyone else know that it's our day for only each other so they will have to wait until Monday to talk to us or see us. I think it's a really good idea, I'm just unsure how to bring that up. Because now I feel like there is so much I'm asking to change...
Jessica went on to also mention this: Here is some advice someone once told me, if you don't stand behind your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, partner or whatever, who will you stand behind? Ultimately, if you two are getting married, does he want his mom there on your honeymoon when the kama sutra book breaks out? Does he want his mom there at the conception of your first child? It's a drastic change in living together to her being there during sex, but the theory is still the same. He is your partner, and he should stand behind you on this. When you are married, is he going to back you up, or is he going to back up and stand by his mom? He should stand by you.
(Man, Jessica, I am giving you so much praise tonight! But you so deserve it. :] )
She's right. AGAIN. If I was saying I wanted to move far away and he wasn't allowed to see or talk to his mom, then he should not be on my side. But I'm just asking for a separate relationship, and that isn't asking too much. He should stand by me. Not saying that he doesn't (mostly because I've not known how to really say anything about this entire subject so he probably is super clueless about it all!), but when it comes time, he should stick up for me and how I feel. Especially since it's not too much to ask.
Here is another great piece of advice, and Jessica told me not to give her credit, because it came from a Step-Mom that Jessica vents to and is great friends with (Jessica is basically already a Step-Mom to her fiance's son, but it won't be legal until October - ? - until she is 'officially' Kai's Step-Mom). Credit goes to The Childless Stepmom. She said: 'Today, if you're in Hell, you're supposed to be there. Hunker down, grit your teeth and let it make you great. Today if you're in Heaven, you're supposed to be there. Be THANKFUL for it, allow it to humble you and make you remember how amazing those good days are.' Then Jessica added to it and told me, 'Today is stressful and Hell because of the situation, but you are meant to be there. It will sort itself out and you will grow from it. (Insert cute little heart here.)
That is what really hit me. I have always been a true believer in 'everything happens for a reason'. This is just confirmation of that, and thankful I've had someone here to fully help me understand and realize that this bumpy patch of stress and unhappiness in certain areas of my life is just a phase and will all be over soon.
I really needed this conversation to happen, because it gave me a lot of clarity and helped me to be able to re-organize my thoughts, and now I know what I need to do. I don't regret anything that I've said in my past post, because it's the only way I knew how to get out what I needed to say. But I know how to better word things, with a more positive outlook on my frustrating situation. And I owe it all (for now) to Miss Jessica. :)
Friday, February 22, 2013
I Would Just Like To Be An Adult...
Well, now that it's the end of February, our lease is coming to an end here in the next month and we've decided to move. Our landlord is increasing the rent, and with the fact that I don't have a job (STILL!) and can't even be guaranteed how much longer I'll have an income, it just doesn't make sense to continue to live here.
For now, I guess we are going to be staying with Derick's mom. It's not too bad, she will not charge too much rent (it will be cheaper for us than staying here, and less than renting our own place like a small apartment), and our dogs will be able to roam around without the worry of not getting a deposit back if they damage carpets or decide to eat the walls (our first female, Teddy, used to chew on the drywall in the basement bathroom when she was a puppy to occupy her time. Weird if you ask me). Our dogs will get all the attention in the world, and will have a backyard to play in and chase bunnies in.
But there is still just something about it that is making me feel uneasy. Like it won't turn out to be a good decision in the end.
Maybe it's the fact that I've been on my own since I was 18, and there was a short period of time where I had help from my family, but other than that, I've been pretty independent. So since we'd be essentially accepting help from someone else, makes me feel not only guilty, but like a mooch. And like I can't support myself.
I like being on my own. And truth is, it's never been just Derick and me. We've always had a roommate. Which is great when you think about the money it saves. But there is never really any privacy. Sometimes, I feel suffocated by having others around us. Like, we can't be a couple really. Because there are others always around us.
It's nice having my sister as a roommate right now, because she isn't so intrusive and doesn't always feel the need to tag along with us wherever we go, or doesn't always try to pry into our relationship. In fact, she is always either spending time with our parents and other sisters (lucky, I wish I was able to see my family as often as she can! Maybe when I get a job, I'll be able to afford to drive out there and see them), working, or at her boyfriend's house in Post Falls.
I just feel like this time it will be different. Derick and his mom have a very unique type of bond/relationship. They grew up with only each other. Derick's dad left when he was a baby (insert sad face here), and his mom is a single, 50-something. They have other family here, but they're not as close with the rest of the family as they are with each other. And because I am Derick's girlfriend, and we live together, I get to take part in that bond as well.
We all 3 do our grocery shopping together, we will soon be living there, and in the fall we all were looking at homes together, when Derick and I were talking about buying a home. Obviously that wouldn't happen for quite some time, but it's nice to see our options. They talk about all 3 of us joining a Verizon cell phone plan together (but honestly I just feel like that defeats the purpose of me wanting to be on my own and for Derick and I to have a life separate from our parents and families).
Maybe I just like being by myself (or with a boyfriend, just without parents/roommates) because that is what I'm so used to. I am grateful for the offers from both my parents and from his mom, as far as living arrangements and the times they've assisted with bills, grocery shopping etc. But I just feel like I want to be able to be alone. (By alone, I mean, just Derick, me, and our dogs.) I want to be able to live like we are our own little family. I want to have privacy, where I can roam the house in my underwear all I want and not have to worry about other people seeing me. I want to be able to grocery shop for ourselves, BY ourselves, without any interruption. I want to be able to live as an adult, and not as a child that needs help with everything.
I know that, unfortunately, I pretty much put myself in this situation due to the fact that I don't have a job. And there aren't really any other options. Since, well, we do have 5 dogs, all 1 year old or younger. Which a lot of places will only let you have 2 or even 3 dogs or cats or whatever kinds of animals. And there is generally a hefty deposit that comes along with it. Plus, our dogs can't be cooped up in an apartment all day, they need to have a yard to run around in, now that spring and summer are just around the corner.
But I just wish that, not only with the living situation, but all other aspects of our lives, we could get through life together, without always having people tagging along for the ride, whether it's roommates or parents. I feel like we can't live as adults, because we always are having help from his mom. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for her support. I'm just not used to having someone else as a part of my relationship. I'm just used to it being me and a boyfriend (at least, in the past that is how it always was...well, for the most part).
My relationship with my parents is different than what Derick and his mom have. My parents help when I ask them to, which is very rare, but they aren't always asking about how our relationship is, or telling us what to do. Especially when I know how badly they want to give me advice, they leave it to me to figure out everything on my own. And I like that. I like that they don't feel like they have to wander the aisles of Wal-Mart and Fred Meyer with us. I like that they aren't always calling me, that they give me space. That they don't always try to tie themselves to me with things like organizing my bills for me, adding me to their Verizon cell phone plan, or asking me to come over every single weekend.
They allow me to live my life separately, now that I am adult, and it's just what I'm used to. And what I like, how I prefer to live. And even though they treat me the exact way I like to be treated, I still would not want to live with them (or have them live with me) unless a nursing home was their only other option. That's how I feel about all parents with grown children. The parents did their job raising their kids, now the kids need to have their own separate lives from the parents. Until the parents are mentally/physically unstable and cannot care for themselves anymore (I'm talking about getting Alzheimer's, cancer at an old age - and by old I mean like 70+, or having to use a wheelchair), the children and parents should live each on their own.
I am just afraid if I were to ask for more space from, not my parents (because what a walk in the park that would be, considering I already have the space I want/need), but from my significant other's mom, there would be tension. Especially since we would be living with her.
At her house, there are two levels of living area. She lives upstairs where there are two bedrooms, a living area, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining area, and a little office nook. I was under the assumption that we would be living in the basement. Where there are 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, storage space, and a separate living area. We would only go upstairs to eat if we needed to. So that we would still have some feeling of separation, like we are adults. Derick is terrified of spiders, and the basement gets a few of them, but he wants to live upstairs. I don't. I want to feel separated, like we are by ourselves.
I feel like living under the same roof, and being literally closer, is going to break me. I like separation and space. I like having independence. I don't want to put a damper on that. Because it won't make me happy. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm as happy as can be right now anyway, due to the job situation. But it sure wouldn't help me, that's for certain. But even my parents don't think it's a good idea to live under either of our parents roofs. My dad even had a pretty lengthy conversation with me about how he doesn't think I should live with parents, whether it's my own or someone else's. He thinks I should continue to be independent (as I just typed that word, I was singing it like in that rap song that goes I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that mean mayne? Haha) as I am a grown woman and an adult and not a kid anymore.
As much as a relationship is about compromise, I feel like there are times where it is ok to be selfish. But I also feel like what I'm willing to agree to is still compromising. Like this: I'm agreeing to stay there, as long as we can be in the basement. Because he wants to move there (if I had my way, I'd get a cheap studio apartment and hide my dogs), but I'd want to stay in the basement. So I'd agree to stay there (giving him his way about the place we'd live), only if we could come to an agreement to stay downstairs (I choose to live downstairs instead of upstairs).
I used to live with an ex and his parents, nearly 2 years ago. Their house was only 1 level, but their bedroom and the laundry room were on one side of the house. The kitchen/dining/living room were in the middle of the house. Then our room and bathroom and guest rooms were on the opposite side of the house, so there was still a feeling of separation. I didn't want to live there, and I voiced my opinion so many times that I wanted to live alone, but what I said didn't matter. So I sucked it up and stayed there for just over a year, but I wasn't happy. I didn't have the privacy or space I needed. Friends couldn't come over to hang out (not that I really have any anymore...) and I had to follow someone else's rules.
I still felt like a child and that is how I feel now. Like I won't be able to be an adult, on my own. I won't have time with just Derick and me. We will always have others surrounding us. I'm usually pretty good at adapting to new situations, but I don't like the suffocation I feel when we can't be alone.
I'd just like to be able to go to Wal-Mart or Fred Meyer, just us. I want to be able to pay bills, just us. It would be fabulous to live, just us (and our dogs, and maybe if Derick wasn't so allergic to cats I could get my Booter boy back).
I don't really know how to say it without sounding so harsh, but I'd just like to have minimal contact/interaction with truly everyone and just be able to live a life focused on being a couple. Without interruptions from others wanting to be a part of our relationship. Without having to have others support us financially.
I also don't have a clever way to end this post. But could certainly use advice on how to handle this situation. That is, if anyone reads this. Ever.
For now, I guess we are going to be staying with Derick's mom. It's not too bad, she will not charge too much rent (it will be cheaper for us than staying here, and less than renting our own place like a small apartment), and our dogs will be able to roam around without the worry of not getting a deposit back if they damage carpets or decide to eat the walls (our first female, Teddy, used to chew on the drywall in the basement bathroom when she was a puppy to occupy her time. Weird if you ask me). Our dogs will get all the attention in the world, and will have a backyard to play in and chase bunnies in.
But there is still just something about it that is making me feel uneasy. Like it won't turn out to be a good decision in the end.
Maybe it's the fact that I've been on my own since I was 18, and there was a short period of time where I had help from my family, but other than that, I've been pretty independent. So since we'd be essentially accepting help from someone else, makes me feel not only guilty, but like a mooch. And like I can't support myself.
I like being on my own. And truth is, it's never been just Derick and me. We've always had a roommate. Which is great when you think about the money it saves. But there is never really any privacy. Sometimes, I feel suffocated by having others around us. Like, we can't be a couple really. Because there are others always around us.
It's nice having my sister as a roommate right now, because she isn't so intrusive and doesn't always feel the need to tag along with us wherever we go, or doesn't always try to pry into our relationship. In fact, she is always either spending time with our parents and other sisters (lucky, I wish I was able to see my family as often as she can! Maybe when I get a job, I'll be able to afford to drive out there and see them), working, or at her boyfriend's house in Post Falls.
I just feel like this time it will be different. Derick and his mom have a very unique type of bond/relationship. They grew up with only each other. Derick's dad left when he was a baby (insert sad face here), and his mom is a single, 50-something. They have other family here, but they're not as close with the rest of the family as they are with each other. And because I am Derick's girlfriend, and we live together, I get to take part in that bond as well.
We all 3 do our grocery shopping together, we will soon be living there, and in the fall we all were looking at homes together, when Derick and I were talking about buying a home. Obviously that wouldn't happen for quite some time, but it's nice to see our options. They talk about all 3 of us joining a Verizon cell phone plan together (but honestly I just feel like that defeats the purpose of me wanting to be on my own and for Derick and I to have a life separate from our parents and families).
Maybe I just like being by myself (or with a boyfriend, just without parents/roommates) because that is what I'm so used to. I am grateful for the offers from both my parents and from his mom, as far as living arrangements and the times they've assisted with bills, grocery shopping etc. But I just feel like I want to be able to be alone. (By alone, I mean, just Derick, me, and our dogs.) I want to be able to live like we are our own little family. I want to have privacy, where I can roam the house in my underwear all I want and not have to worry about other people seeing me. I want to be able to grocery shop for ourselves, BY ourselves, without any interruption. I want to be able to live as an adult, and not as a child that needs help with everything.
I know that, unfortunately, I pretty much put myself in this situation due to the fact that I don't have a job. And there aren't really any other options. Since, well, we do have 5 dogs, all 1 year old or younger. Which a lot of places will only let you have 2 or even 3 dogs or cats or whatever kinds of animals. And there is generally a hefty deposit that comes along with it. Plus, our dogs can't be cooped up in an apartment all day, they need to have a yard to run around in, now that spring and summer are just around the corner.
But I just wish that, not only with the living situation, but all other aspects of our lives, we could get through life together, without always having people tagging along for the ride, whether it's roommates or parents. I feel like we can't live as adults, because we always are having help from his mom. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for her support. I'm just not used to having someone else as a part of my relationship. I'm just used to it being me and a boyfriend (at least, in the past that is how it always was...well, for the most part).
My relationship with my parents is different than what Derick and his mom have. My parents help when I ask them to, which is very rare, but they aren't always asking about how our relationship is, or telling us what to do. Especially when I know how badly they want to give me advice, they leave it to me to figure out everything on my own. And I like that. I like that they don't feel like they have to wander the aisles of Wal-Mart and Fred Meyer with us. I like that they aren't always calling me, that they give me space. That they don't always try to tie themselves to me with things like organizing my bills for me, adding me to their Verizon cell phone plan, or asking me to come over every single weekend.
They allow me to live my life separately, now that I am adult, and it's just what I'm used to. And what I like, how I prefer to live. And even though they treat me the exact way I like to be treated, I still would not want to live with them (or have them live with me) unless a nursing home was their only other option. That's how I feel about all parents with grown children. The parents did their job raising their kids, now the kids need to have their own separate lives from the parents. Until the parents are mentally/physically unstable and cannot care for themselves anymore (I'm talking about getting Alzheimer's, cancer at an old age - and by old I mean like 70+, or having to use a wheelchair), the children and parents should live each on their own.
I am just afraid if I were to ask for more space from, not my parents (because what a walk in the park that would be, considering I already have the space I want/need), but from my significant other's mom, there would be tension. Especially since we would be living with her.
At her house, there are two levels of living area. She lives upstairs where there are two bedrooms, a living area, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining area, and a little office nook. I was under the assumption that we would be living in the basement. Where there are 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, storage space, and a separate living area. We would only go upstairs to eat if we needed to. So that we would still have some feeling of separation, like we are adults. Derick is terrified of spiders, and the basement gets a few of them, but he wants to live upstairs. I don't. I want to feel separated, like we are by ourselves.
I feel like living under the same roof, and being literally closer, is going to break me. I like separation and space. I like having independence. I don't want to put a damper on that. Because it won't make me happy. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm as happy as can be right now anyway, due to the job situation. But it sure wouldn't help me, that's for certain. But even my parents don't think it's a good idea to live under either of our parents roofs. My dad even had a pretty lengthy conversation with me about how he doesn't think I should live with parents, whether it's my own or someone else's. He thinks I should continue to be independent (as I just typed that word, I was singing it like in that rap song that goes I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that mean mayne? Haha) as I am a grown woman and an adult and not a kid anymore.
As much as a relationship is about compromise, I feel like there are times where it is ok to be selfish. But I also feel like what I'm willing to agree to is still compromising. Like this: I'm agreeing to stay there, as long as we can be in the basement. Because he wants to move there (if I had my way, I'd get a cheap studio apartment and hide my dogs), but I'd want to stay in the basement. So I'd agree to stay there (giving him his way about the place we'd live), only if we could come to an agreement to stay downstairs (I choose to live downstairs instead of upstairs).
I used to live with an ex and his parents, nearly 2 years ago. Their house was only 1 level, but their bedroom and the laundry room were on one side of the house. The kitchen/dining/living room were in the middle of the house. Then our room and bathroom and guest rooms were on the opposite side of the house, so there was still a feeling of separation. I didn't want to live there, and I voiced my opinion so many times that I wanted to live alone, but what I said didn't matter. So I sucked it up and stayed there for just over a year, but I wasn't happy. I didn't have the privacy or space I needed. Friends couldn't come over to hang out (not that I really have any anymore...) and I had to follow someone else's rules.
I still felt like a child and that is how I feel now. Like I won't be able to be an adult, on my own. I won't have time with just Derick and me. We will always have others surrounding us. I'm usually pretty good at adapting to new situations, but I don't like the suffocation I feel when we can't be alone.
I'd just like to be able to go to Wal-Mart or Fred Meyer, just us. I want to be able to pay bills, just us. It would be fabulous to live, just us (and our dogs, and maybe if Derick wasn't so allergic to cats I could get my Booter boy back).
I don't really know how to say it without sounding so harsh, but I'd just like to have minimal contact/interaction with truly everyone and just be able to live a life focused on being a couple. Without interruptions from others wanting to be a part of our relationship. Without having to have others support us financially.
I also don't have a clever way to end this post. But could certainly use advice on how to handle this situation. That is, if anyone reads this. Ever.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Vent.
Well, it's been a while since I've written. So crazy to go back and read my posts, starting from #1, to see how much my life has changed. A year ago, I was loving life (just days before I was in a car accident where my pelvis was broken). I had a fabulous job where I made nearly $36,000 per year, I had great friends, and felt like I was on top of the world.
I didn't exactly come out and say it in my last post, but I sort of mentioned applying and interviewing for jobs. July 3 was my last day with American Family Insurance. I worked there for about 4 months after leaving Safeco Insurance. Oh, what I would do to be able to go back in time and keep my job at Safeco. It's just too bad, I guess, that they weren't able to help come up with a way for me to keep my job there *and* be able to see a doctor for a broken pelvis.
Anyway, since I lost my job with American Family (I'm not going to go into details right now, but I almost think it was a blessing in a crazy, twisted sort of way), I've been on the constant search for a job. Submitting an average of 10 resumes and/or applications to different companies per week has become my weekly job. Some weeks there is more to apply for than other weeks, it all just depends. I've had maybe 5 in-person interviews the entire time I've been unemployed, countless telephone interviews, and what seems like an infinite amount of resumes and applications have been submitted in the past 6 months.
People who have jobs, and have never been unemployed (or maybe have been employed but not in the last, say, 5 years) do *not* know how difficult it is to find a job right now. I never hear the end of it, people saying, 'oh, there *is* work out there, you just aren't looking hard enough', or this one: 'just go work part time in retail/fast food/some-part-time-minimum-wage-job until you find something better.' Honestly, those are the two lamest statements I have heard on this issue.
I'll just come right out and say it; I make $386 per week, after taxes are withheld, from my unemployment benefits. No, I am not proud to be 'living off of the government' (as some of my 'friends' have said), but I *am* grateful to be able to take advantage of unemployment insurance benefits. Without them, I would not have a roof over my head, a vehicle, a phone, internet access to be able to search for and apply for local jobs, and most of my belongings would have been sold.
Here's the thing, and it might be a newsflash to those giving me a constant lecture about working part time, for minimum wage, or a combination of the two: if I bring in more money while collecting unemployment benefits and am still in a bit of a bind, how in the world would it make any logical sense to take a job where I'd make, say, &800 per month? Or to travel 40 miles, into a state that deducts State Taxes, for a starting wage of $11 per hour when after taxes and gas expenses, I'd bring home $8.50 per hour? To say that I have a job and to be proud to work, even if I can't pay my bills, at all? Call me selfish, or a 'whore' that lives off of the government. But I'd rather collect these benefits so I can pay my bills, until a job that pays enough to support my monthly rent, car payment, auto and renter's insurance, phone, food, utilities, and internet bills. Yes, I might be a tad bit picky when it comes to which jobs I apply for. But it's because I want to stay on top of my bills, instead of being evicted from my home and having to declare bankruptcy because I lost all financial control of everything. I worked for 6 years straight before I ever collected unemployment benefits, I paid into unemployment insurance for that entire time, and so while I am searching for a job, I feel that I have the *right* to these benefits (not to say I have the right to take the benefits for granted, but I should not be pressured to feel guilty for taking advantage of a sort of 'insurance plan' while I search for a job).
It would be different if I was on welfare, where I had no job search requirements to fulfill in order to get a paycheck. I do not sit around all day, bake cookies, go shopping, and ignore the fact that I should be looking for a job. I don't pop out a new baby every 9 months so that the government will pay all of my bills for me. I don't use the money I receive each week to go buy drugs or participate in any illegal activity.
I fulfill the job search requirements asked of me by the Employment Security Department of Washington State, and even apply for more jobs and submit more resumes than what is asked. Its just that, unfortunately, I rarely will hear back from any companies that want to invite me to their office for an interview. So stop telling me I am being irresponsible for having tattoos (or getting a new one in the time I have not been employed), and stop telling me I am an irresponsible person for having 5 dogs when I don't have a job. Stop telling me I am lazy. Stop telling me to go find a part time job at the mall selling candy or jeans or shoes or clothes. Stop telling to quit spending money on bleaching my hair. Stop telling me to not go on occasional dates or to dinner with my boyfriend.
It gets you nowhere. Nowhere. All it does is add to the constant stress I am under already. It adds to my anxiety and depression. I am an adult. I am a person - with feelings. I know how to make smart decisions - my parents raised a smart daughter. I think of how each decision I make will affect me, and those around me, in the future. I am not an idiot because I don't have a job right now. Think about the words coming out of your mouth and directed toward me, and how it might make me feel.
I guess I am just tired of people just trying to kick me when I'm already down. How does my job search interfere with your life? It doesn't (unless I am living under a roof with you, then you have my permission to give me your input). Positive advice and caring words are encouraged, but negative comments aren't. I could go the rest of my life without hearing another lecture about collecting unemployment or not having a job, and I would be just fine.
I would just appreciate if the people that care about me (or the ones that 'say' they care) would just send prayers my way, be helpful, provide advice to me, and give me pep talks about how I *will* find a job, and everything will be great in the end.
It's hard enough having to deal with the constant criticism of my status of employment. Add that to having to clean up after 5 dogs and 2 other people. Taking care of all the bills. Laundry. Dishes. Feeding the dogs. Potty training. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. Sweeping. Mopping. Cooking. Running errands. And never living up to people's unrealistic expectations of what I should be doing with my days.
I don't deserve or need or want constant praise, but sometimes, a little 'hey, the house looks nice', 'can I help revise your resume?' (which a lovely friend did offer and helped me better my resume), or 'hey, do you need someone to listen while you vent?' would be nice. I just feel like this world only strongly focuses and points out the negatives, everything someone does wrong, instead of recognizing when something great is happening. I know that would sure make things a whole lot easier for me.
Maybe someone will read this, and agree with what I'm saying. Maybe not. I just felt like I needed to vent about this, since I have no one to talk to about it in person, and it all comes out better in writing.
Hopefully my next blog post won't be as negative as this one. Of course I don't mean to come across that way, but sometimes you have to put on your 'grumpy pants' and get it all out. ;)
I didn't exactly come out and say it in my last post, but I sort of mentioned applying and interviewing for jobs. July 3 was my last day with American Family Insurance. I worked there for about 4 months after leaving Safeco Insurance. Oh, what I would do to be able to go back in time and keep my job at Safeco. It's just too bad, I guess, that they weren't able to help come up with a way for me to keep my job there *and* be able to see a doctor for a broken pelvis.
Anyway, since I lost my job with American Family (I'm not going to go into details right now, but I almost think it was a blessing in a crazy, twisted sort of way), I've been on the constant search for a job. Submitting an average of 10 resumes and/or applications to different companies per week has become my weekly job. Some weeks there is more to apply for than other weeks, it all just depends. I've had maybe 5 in-person interviews the entire time I've been unemployed, countless telephone interviews, and what seems like an infinite amount of resumes and applications have been submitted in the past 6 months.
People who have jobs, and have never been unemployed (or maybe have been employed but not in the last, say, 5 years) do *not* know how difficult it is to find a job right now. I never hear the end of it, people saying, 'oh, there *is* work out there, you just aren't looking hard enough', or this one: 'just go work part time in retail/fast food/some-part-time-minimum-wage-job until you find something better.' Honestly, those are the two lamest statements I have heard on this issue.
I'll just come right out and say it; I make $386 per week, after taxes are withheld, from my unemployment benefits. No, I am not proud to be 'living off of the government' (as some of my 'friends' have said), but I *am* grateful to be able to take advantage of unemployment insurance benefits. Without them, I would not have a roof over my head, a vehicle, a phone, internet access to be able to search for and apply for local jobs, and most of my belongings would have been sold.
Here's the thing, and it might be a newsflash to those giving me a constant lecture about working part time, for minimum wage, or a combination of the two: if I bring in more money while collecting unemployment benefits and am still in a bit of a bind, how in the world would it make any logical sense to take a job where I'd make, say, &800 per month? Or to travel 40 miles, into a state that deducts State Taxes, for a starting wage of $11 per hour when after taxes and gas expenses, I'd bring home $8.50 per hour? To say that I have a job and to be proud to work, even if I can't pay my bills, at all? Call me selfish, or a 'whore' that lives off of the government. But I'd rather collect these benefits so I can pay my bills, until a job that pays enough to support my monthly rent, car payment, auto and renter's insurance, phone, food, utilities, and internet bills. Yes, I might be a tad bit picky when it comes to which jobs I apply for. But it's because I want to stay on top of my bills, instead of being evicted from my home and having to declare bankruptcy because I lost all financial control of everything. I worked for 6 years straight before I ever collected unemployment benefits, I paid into unemployment insurance for that entire time, and so while I am searching for a job, I feel that I have the *right* to these benefits (not to say I have the right to take the benefits for granted, but I should not be pressured to feel guilty for taking advantage of a sort of 'insurance plan' while I search for a job).
It would be different if I was on welfare, where I had no job search requirements to fulfill in order to get a paycheck. I do not sit around all day, bake cookies, go shopping, and ignore the fact that I should be looking for a job. I don't pop out a new baby every 9 months so that the government will pay all of my bills for me. I don't use the money I receive each week to go buy drugs or participate in any illegal activity.
I fulfill the job search requirements asked of me by the Employment Security Department of Washington State, and even apply for more jobs and submit more resumes than what is asked. Its just that, unfortunately, I rarely will hear back from any companies that want to invite me to their office for an interview. So stop telling me I am being irresponsible for having tattoos (or getting a new one in the time I have not been employed), and stop telling me I am an irresponsible person for having 5 dogs when I don't have a job. Stop telling me I am lazy. Stop telling me to go find a part time job at the mall selling candy or jeans or shoes or clothes. Stop telling to quit spending money on bleaching my hair. Stop telling me to not go on occasional dates or to dinner with my boyfriend.
It gets you nowhere. Nowhere. All it does is add to the constant stress I am under already. It adds to my anxiety and depression. I am an adult. I am a person - with feelings. I know how to make smart decisions - my parents raised a smart daughter. I think of how each decision I make will affect me, and those around me, in the future. I am not an idiot because I don't have a job right now. Think about the words coming out of your mouth and directed toward me, and how it might make me feel.
I guess I am just tired of people just trying to kick me when I'm already down. How does my job search interfere with your life? It doesn't (unless I am living under a roof with you, then you have my permission to give me your input). Positive advice and caring words are encouraged, but negative comments aren't. I could go the rest of my life without hearing another lecture about collecting unemployment or not having a job, and I would be just fine.
I would just appreciate if the people that care about me (or the ones that 'say' they care) would just send prayers my way, be helpful, provide advice to me, and give me pep talks about how I *will* find a job, and everything will be great in the end.
It's hard enough having to deal with the constant criticism of my status of employment. Add that to having to clean up after 5 dogs and 2 other people. Taking care of all the bills. Laundry. Dishes. Feeding the dogs. Potty training. Grocery shopping. Vacuuming. Sweeping. Mopping. Cooking. Running errands. And never living up to people's unrealistic expectations of what I should be doing with my days.
I don't deserve or need or want constant praise, but sometimes, a little 'hey, the house looks nice', 'can I help revise your resume?' (which a lovely friend did offer and helped me better my resume), or 'hey, do you need someone to listen while you vent?' would be nice. I just feel like this world only strongly focuses and points out the negatives, everything someone does wrong, instead of recognizing when something great is happening. I know that would sure make things a whole lot easier for me.
Maybe someone will read this, and agree with what I'm saying. Maybe not. I just felt like I needed to vent about this, since I have no one to talk to about it in person, and it all comes out better in writing.
Hopefully my next blog post won't be as negative as this one. Of course I don't mean to come across that way, but sometimes you have to put on your 'grumpy pants' and get it all out. ;)
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