My Secret Struggle: Part II

I haven't exactly been up front and shared the full details of my life and my struggles with anyone; mostly because it's not really anyone else's business, but also because it's difficult.

Most of my friends and co-workers know I've struggled with depression for the majority of my life, but I haven't truly opened up about what all has been going on with me recently.

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A few months after my 17th birthday, my cousins and uncle were visiting from Western Washington. Our bellies were craving a little snack, so my sister, cousins and I went for a walk down to the grocery store. It is only about a mile away from my parents' house, and the mid-September was perfect for an evening walk.

On the way to the grocery store, there is a large apartment complex that we passed through. My sister had some friends that constantly were riding their BMX bikes around the neighborhood, and we thought we saw them in the apartment complex's parking lot. Since it was dark, we couldn't see their faces, so she hollered for them to come our way.

It turned out not to be her friends, but some kids that lived in the next town over, just across the river. They'd ridden their bikes over just because. There were 2 kids, one was 18 and the other probably about 15. Both were charming and kind. Both skinny but cute. We all exchanged numbers after talking in the parking lot for 30 minutes, and then headed home.

This was the start of the absolutely *worst* thing to ever happen in my life...

We learned all about Nick (18) and Gabriel (15?). They lived in a house with Gabriel's mom, Gina, and her boyfriend (I forgot his name), and Gabriel's sisters, Sharaya and Kristian. They also had a roommate, Justin (17?), and then Carl (old) and his son, Travis, aka TJ (15?). After getting to know these guys more, and hanging out with them often, my sister Morgan entered into a relationship with Gabriel (they were seriously *SO* cute), Melissa entered into a very short-lived relationship with Justin (so gross now that we think about it...no offense), and I entered into what I thought was a relationship with Nick, but it turned out to be something much worse...

I knew that I should've dropped all contact after the first time we visited the boys at their house. I didn't, because it was the first time any guy had paid any attention to me (I was a "nerd" in school so I never had the courage to even talk to a guy and I also wasn't pretty). Not that a guy's attention should be the most important thing, but it felt nice to feel pretty to someone.

The first time my sister and I went to their house, we all had pizza and went our own separate ways. Morgan and Gabriel went downstairs, I went upstairs with Nick. He was *SO* quick to take his pants off, and I was scared. I wanted to leave and I kept telling him NO! He was very persistent and eventually stopped after my consistent "NO!"s were getting louder for the rest of the house to hear. I went downstairs and got Morgan, and said we needed to go home.

When I got home, I had a text message waiting for me, from Nick. I was so scared, upset, disappointed, and angry, I didn't want to read it. But my OCD kicked in and I had to get rid of the "New Message" indicator on my phone's screen. I read it, and it was an apology for him trying to move too fast and saying he hoped I got home safely.

It took awhile for me to let him earn my trust again, and I always made sure my sister and I were in the same room when he was around so he wouldn't try something I wasn't ready for. (Looking back, I don't know why this didn't make a Red Flag go off in my head...the fact that I didn't want to be alone with him and didn't trust him, I mean.)

A few months went by, and he had saved up enough money to get into his own apartment. My sisters and his old roommates and I helped him move, and we all found ourselves hanging out at that apartment quite a bit. After he'd laid off with trying to be forceful, I started to trust him again.

As soon as he could sense the trust, he used it to his advantage and always was doing little favors for me to continue to build up that trust. One day when I was done at work, I went over to his house to hang out and do my homework. He was in a really good mood on this particular day, and I didn't realize until after the fact what he had in mind.

He started to be playful and inappropriate and wanted to do things I wasn't ready for. I told him no, but since it was just us there, and the room we were in had no neighbors on the other side of the wall to hear me, I couldn't make myself loud enough for someone else to be concerned and come to my rescue. He told me that "NO isn't an option for you anymore". He held me down so I couldn't move and told me if I said anything, or ever got the cops involved, he would use his one call to set up a gang rape. He covered my nose and mouth with his hand so I struggled to breathe, until I stopped screaming for him to stop.

This was the most scared I'd ever felt in my life. I was absolutely TERRIFIED. He forced himself on me and wouldn't let me go. I was trying with all my might to kick and fight and scream, but it was no use. I told him he was hurting me and asked him to stop, and it was like he couldn't hear me at all.

When he was done, and I finally was allowed to go home (yes, allowed), I felt so ashamed. I was shaking, crying, angry, sad - the entire drive back home was a blur. I probably shouldn't have been driving, but I did anyway. I took the long way home so I could gather my emotions and set them aside, so that no one would question me for looking or acting like something was wrong when I got to the house. I had to act like it was a regular day, with regular events and like everything was okay.

I got a text message from him again, saying "You don't get to tell anyone about this." I was so scared, but I immediately erased the message and just went straight to my room to finish my homework and sleep.

This was only the beginning - and it was a regular occurrence. My life was threatened more times than I could count. He beat up Justin (the old roommate mentioned earlier) and smashed his head into the wall. I made the mistake (now I see it as I did the right thing) of calling my parents to come get my sisters and I, and this is when my dad didn't want me to come see Nick anymore. Because I was afraid for my life/afraid of being hurt, I would sneak out and my dad and I were on the most terrible terms for the year I was "with" Nick.

I was constantly wearing sweaters and pants to hide the marks that were left on my body when I would disobey. Melissa's next boyfriend, C (that's what I'll call him), told me after awhile that he couldn't feel bad for me anymore after he saw the marks on my body, because I hadn't gotten away and made the adult decision to just leave and say I'd had enough. I didn't want anyone to feel bad for me; I just wanted to be saved, and I couldn't do it myself.

I can recall a number of times that I'd bitten Nick through his skin, deep enough to draw blood, to get him to get off of me or to leave me alone. I used to bite my nails but kicked that habit when I realized that longer nails were good for defense/attacking him when he tried to hurt me. In front of everyone else, I had to act like nothing was wrong. I worked hard in school so that my grades didn't slip and hint that I had this difficult struggle going on. I couldn't let anyone know what was happening.

After 10+ times of breaking up and making up, watching him buy and sell drugs, and being so hurt all the time, I'd had enough. Nick was begging for me back and I told him no. I started ignoring his calls, ignoring his requests to come over. He didn't want other people to know what he was doing to me so he didn't really get my family involved. I felt somewhat secure because I knew he knew my dad didn't like him, and he didn't want to get on my dad's bad side - so he never came over to try to talk to me.

He knew here I lived and where I worked, but both happened to be with my dad so he never made an appearance. He did regularly drive by my parents' house to see if I was home, and I swear he has followed me multiple times. I left the state for 3 years and got a new job, hoping he wouldn't find me. I've kept the same number since then, and he would have these little periods of time where he wouldn't leave me alone and was constantly calling. He would leave messages saying he knew I left and was going to figure it out; that I was the only person who ever loved him right and he was going to track me down and force me to marry him.

It took me 3 years to not feel like he was always spying on me; 5 years to not be afraid he was in the cars next to me on the freeway, with a gun in hand, ready to shoot; 7 years to seek counseling.

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I've been in counseling since mid-August and I have been diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), moderate depression, mild OCD.

I constantly have these dreams that he is following me with a knife, or that I am following him to get revenge. These dreams terrify me. I've been having a really hard time sleeping the past few weeks because of these dreams, and just because of how I feel overall.

The past 2 days I've felt dizzy and jittery and like the world is spinning around me,, My mind won't stop racing and I can't calm down and focus. Luckily I have an understanding work place that has approved time off for me when I have these breakdowns, but it also makes me feel guilty that I've been out. I don't want my quality of work to be impacted or compromised because I can't focus and do my job. I've felt less patient and less able to do my work to the quality standards that are expected of me.

I hate that it's not just a cold that I can work through, and take some anti-biotics to help me feel better and plug away each week. It's just not that simple. I don't want to be on medications that control me, because a lot of medications make me feel sick and I have a very low tolerance to most of them. I don't want to be the girl that has to rely on a prescription to help keep me sane and normal.

I want to know how to make myself better without a drug. Until then, I can just try to do everything else in my power to just try to relax and think about other things. If there was a way for me to control my dreams, so I don't have these nightmares, I'd probably be better at functioning and getting through each day.

My friend and co-worker gave me a book to read that helped her when she went through something similar. I've only gotten a little bit into it but I hope it will help me be able to cope a little bit better and understand these diagnoses I've been given.

I just hope and pray it doesn't last long, because I want to feel strong again. I want to be back on my feet, ready to take on the day. I want to excel at work and make my boss and co-workers proud of me. I want to just be able to live normally again...