Following Positive Advice.

Yesterday after I posted on my blog, a few of my friends read through it and gave me some pretty great advice. It is always so nice having others' input about what you should do in any situation, to see if there is a better way of handling what you're going through, or to see if you are in the wrong at all.

Jessica, a friend of mine, read through my blog post and made me realize that when I was writing out how I was feeling yesterday, it gave my 'audience' more of the feeling that I was attacking the relationship that Derick's mom has with him (I don't want to say the relationship that they have together, because the 'clingy-ness is only really one-sided). And that was truly not my intention, to 'attack' the type of relationship that it is, but that is how it ended up coming out.

After Jessica read through my post, she was totally understanding. Thankfully. Others were not, so I'm glad I was able to get some input from someone who has been in my shoes before, someone with a similar 'independent' personality who understands the frustration I'm feeling with it all.

She gave me some really great pieces of advice, and I thought I'd share. She's wise beyond her years, and she put everything so much more eloquently than I ever could. I think it will really help me be able to confront the situation in a more comfortable way where everyone involved won't feel so hurt once it's all said and done.

   !) Even though she is graciously letting you live there too, ultimately she is his mother and they have the stronger bond. (This part in parenthesis is not what she said, but one think I've come to learn over the years is that in a relationship, although the parent/son bond is stronger, the relationship - meaning the husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, etc. - comes first, always.) If he talks to her about the space issue, then it might not be so hard to swallow, since it is coming from her own son.

She's right here. Although it is something that bothers me, (not necessarily how close Derick's mom wants to still be with her son in his adult life, but the fact that I feel like that aspect of their relationship will create a lack of space and privacy for us), Derick should stand up for me and how I feel. Relationships come first, and as much as I don't want him to be put in the middle, he has to be there. I fear that if the request for space came directly from me, it would cause tension which I know that none of us want. That way, if Derick were to mention it, it wouldn't be really be such a 'harsh' request since it would be coming from him. And it would also prevent me from being looked at as the Monster-Daughter-In-Law, because that is certainly not who I am (nor do I want to be that person).

   

   2) I would talk to Derick about it, but you should tell him your feelings about it if you haven't already. I would hate to have resentment build up inside you for not talking your problems or frustrations out. Tell him how important it is to you that you have your space, and not just that you want to be on a different floor in the house or be on your own phone plan. It is about the two of you trying to create your own identity TOGETHER. I completely understand that! (here is something to tell him: http://gqgirl.hubpages.com/hub/Why-is-the-wedding-ring-on-the-4th-finger).

Again, she's a genius. She really knows how to put the words in my head on paper (so I can translate them into verbal conversation) without sounding like such a selfish person. I have such a hard time really talking to anyone about anything, because it's easier for me to write everything out. It's like my own way of coping. I have a hard time putting the right words together, and I end up rambling and going on and on to the point where I'm so off-track that what I'm trying to say doesn't make sense out loud. I like to write everything so that I can edit and re-word everything so that it ends up making sense without me struggling to get the right words out.

Anyway, because I have a hard time talking about things, I just have to hold a lot of things inside because I don't know how to get them out. With Jessica's help, as far as what needs to be said (and how she worded everything), it will certainly help me be able to voice my opinions and express how I feel. Because it really is about just wanting to create our own identity with one another rather than wanting to shut someone else out.

The link that she sent me is something I saw on Pinterest a while ago. I'm not going to go into it (you can click the link to read what it's all about) but I must say that I agree with everything it has to say. Essentially it explains how relationships with parents, siblings, and children eventually become separate but the relationship with your partner will always be a 'together' relationship. And I totally agree with it. Which, again, was pretty much the point of my post yesterday, that just like my parents and I, and my sisters and I, have separate lives, I feel like that's not the case with Derick's mom and him (in her head). And it's weird to me.

   3) Don't play the guilty game. That you feel guilty that you are being selfish. You are independent, and some people are born to be independent. Some people are just that way, that they need to be alone. Don't feel guilty about yourself by wanting to, at the very least, be on different floors. I don't think I could ever live with my parents again, even with our relationship as awesome as it is. It's not that kids shouldn't live with their parents, but that it can be difficult for some personality types to cohabit together with parents.

YES! I am not just pulling this 'independence card' either. When I dated Josh a few years ago, we lived with his parents for about a year. I went from being on my own to living with parents, and it just didn't work (I think I posted about this yesterday??). Even though we had half the house to ourselves, it still wasn't right. It didn't feel separate. And I just had a hard time with it. Near the end of the relationship, I'd stay at work 3 hours late every day just to avoid going home. I don't want that to happen here, especially since I truly believe that is one of the things that drove Josh and I apart. No, I do not wish for things to be different, because I love Derick very much, with all my heart and everything I have. I just don't want to be in a similar situation as I've been in before, where it played a role in the reason the relationship failed.

Jessica then went on to give me this advice: I would just sit him down and explain things. He may already know a little, but maybe he feels that you are trying to push him away from his mother by you asking to be on separate floors. (Some people take trying to make space as either replacing the person you are asking for space from, or trying to push them out entirely.) Just support his relationship with his mom, but some things need to stay between you and him. (I had this problem, haha, so I know...) Like, say to him - you need space to yourselves, you need to not be sharing every detail of your life together with others, and you need at least some sort of identity of a couple while you remain living with his mom. That way it is not attacking his relationship, strength, or the living situation with his mom, but rather building the relationship and living situation that you have with him.

Gosh, two years younger than me and 15 years wiser, I swear. She also suggested designating days to tell our parents/friends/family etc to essentially give us a little space, and let us have time with just each other. For example, designate Sundays as 'family days', or dedicating the day to just each other, and let everyone else know that it's our day for only each other so they will have to wait until Monday to talk to us or see us. I think it's a really good idea, I'm just unsure how to bring that up. Because now I feel like there is so much I'm asking to change...

Jessica went on to also mention this: Here is some advice someone once told me, if you don't stand behind your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, partner or whatever, who will you stand behind? Ultimately, if you two are getting married, does he want his mom there on your honeymoon when the kama sutra book breaks out? Does he want his mom there at the conception of your first child? It's a drastic change in living together to her being there during sex, but the theory is still the same. He is your partner, and he should stand behind you on this. When you are married, is he going to back you up, or is he going to back up and stand by his mom? He should stand by you.

(Man, Jessica, I am giving you so much praise tonight! But you so deserve it. :] )

She's right. AGAIN. If I was saying I wanted to move far away and he wasn't allowed to see or talk to his mom, then he should not be on my side. But I'm just asking for a separate relationship, and that isn't asking too much. He should stand by me. Not saying that he doesn't (mostly because I've not known how to really say anything about this entire subject so he probably is super clueless about it all!), but when it comes time, he should stick up for me and how I feel. Especially since it's not too much to ask.

Here is another great piece of advice, and Jessica told me not to give her credit, because it came from a Step-Mom that Jessica vents to and is great friends with (Jessica is basically already a Step-Mom to her fiance's son, but it won't be legal until October - ? - until she is 'officially' Kai's Step-Mom). Credit goes to The Childless Stepmom. She said: 'Today, if you're in Hell, you're supposed to be there. Hunker down, grit your teeth and let it make you great. Today if you're in Heaven, you're supposed to be there. Be THANKFUL for it, allow it to humble you and make you remember how amazing those good days are.' Then Jessica added to it and told me, 'Today is stressful and Hell because of the situation, but you are meant to be there. It will sort itself out and you will grow from it. (Insert cute little heart here.)

That is what really hit me. I have always been a true believer in 'everything happens for a reason'. This is just confirmation of that, and thankful I've had someone here to fully help me understand and realize that this bumpy patch of stress and unhappiness in certain areas of my life is just a phase and will all be over soon.

I really needed this conversation to happen, because it gave me a lot of clarity and helped me to be able to re-organize my thoughts, and now I know what I need to do. I don't regret anything that I've said in my past post, because it's the only way I knew how to get out what I needed to say. But I know how to better word things, with a more positive outlook on my frustrating situation. And I owe it all (for now) to Miss Jessica. :)

I Would Just Like To Be An Adult...

Well, now that it's the end of February, our lease is coming to an end here in the next month and we've decided to move. Our landlord is increasing the rent, and with the fact that I don't have a job (STILL!) and can't even be guaranteed how much longer I'll have an income, it just doesn't make sense to continue to live here.

For now, I guess we are going to be staying with Derick's mom. It's not too bad, she will not charge too much rent (it will be cheaper for us than staying here, and less than renting our own place like a small apartment), and our dogs will be able to roam around without the worry of not getting a deposit back if they damage carpets or decide to eat the walls (our first female, Teddy, used to chew on the drywall in the basement bathroom when she was a puppy to occupy her time. Weird if you ask me). Our dogs will get all the attention in the world, and will have a backyard to play in and chase bunnies in.

But there is still just something about it that is making me feel uneasy. Like it won't turn out to be a good decision in the end.

Maybe it's the fact that I've been on my own since I was 18, and there was a short period of time where I had help from my family, but other than that, I've been pretty independent. So since we'd be essentially accepting help from someone else, makes me feel not only guilty, but like a mooch. And like I can't support myself.

I like being on my own. And truth is, it's never been just Derick and me. We've always had a roommate. Which is great when you think about the money it saves. But there is never really any privacy. Sometimes, I feel suffocated by having others around us. Like, we can't be a couple really. Because there are others always around us.

It's nice having my sister as a roommate right now, because she isn't so intrusive and doesn't always feel the need to tag along with us wherever we go, or doesn't always try to pry into our relationship. In fact, she is always either spending time with our parents and other sisters (lucky, I wish I was able to see my family as often as she can! Maybe when I get a job, I'll be able to afford to drive out there and see them), working, or at her boyfriend's house in Post Falls.

I just feel like this time it will be different. Derick and his mom have a very unique type of bond/relationship. They grew up with only each other. Derick's dad left when he was a baby (insert sad face here), and his mom is a single, 50-something. They have other family here, but they're not as close with the rest of the family as they are with each other. And because I am Derick's girlfriend, and we live together, I get to take part in that bond as well.

We all 3 do our grocery shopping together, we will soon be living there, and in the fall we all were looking at homes together, when Derick and I were talking about buying a home. Obviously that wouldn't happen for quite some time, but it's nice to see our options. They talk about all 3 of us joining a Verizon cell phone plan together (but honestly I just feel like that defeats the purpose of me wanting to be on my own and for Derick and I to have a life separate from our parents and families).

Maybe I just like being by myself (or with a boyfriend, just without parents/roommates) because that is what I'm so used to. I am grateful for the offers from both my parents and from his mom, as far as living arrangements and the times they've assisted with bills, grocery shopping etc. But I just feel like I want to be able to be alone. (By alone, I mean, just Derick, me, and our dogs.) I want to be able to live like we are our own little family. I want to have privacy, where I can roam the house in my underwear all I want and not have to worry about other people seeing me. I want to be able to grocery shop for ourselves, BY ourselves, without any interruption. I want to be able to live as an adult, and not as a child that needs help with everything.

I know that, unfortunately, I pretty much put myself in this situation due to the fact that I don't have a job. And there aren't really any other options. Since, well, we do have 5 dogs, all 1 year old or younger. Which a lot of places will only let you have 2 or even 3 dogs or cats or whatever kinds of animals. And there is generally a hefty deposit that comes along with it. Plus, our dogs can't be cooped up in an apartment all day, they need to have a yard to run around in, now that spring and summer are just around the corner.

But I just wish that, not only with the living situation, but all other aspects of our lives, we could get through life together, without always having people tagging along for the ride, whether it's roommates or parents. I feel like we can't live as adults, because we always are having help from his mom. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for her support. I'm just not used to having someone else as a part of my relationship. I'm just used to it being me and a boyfriend (at least, in the past that is how it always was...well, for the most part).

My relationship with my parents is different than what Derick and his mom have. My parents help when I ask them to, which is very rare, but they aren't always asking about how our relationship is, or telling us what to do. Especially when I know how badly they want to give me advice, they leave it to me to figure out everything on my own. And I like that. I like that they don't feel like they have to wander the aisles of Wal-Mart and Fred Meyer with us. I like that they aren't always calling me, that they give me space. That they don't always try to tie themselves to me with things like organizing my bills for me, adding me to their Verizon cell phone plan, or asking me to come over every single weekend.

They allow me to live my life separately, now that I am adult, and it's just what I'm used to. And what I like, how I prefer to live. And even though they treat me the exact way I like to be treated, I still would not want to live with them (or have them live with me) unless a nursing home was their only other option. That's how I feel about all parents with grown children. The parents did their job raising their kids, now the kids need to have their own separate lives from the parents. Until the parents are mentally/physically unstable and cannot care for themselves anymore (I'm talking about getting Alzheimer's, cancer at an old age - and by old I mean like 70+, or having to use a wheelchair), the children and parents should live each on their own.

I am just afraid if I were to ask for more space from, not my parents (because what a walk in the park that would be, considering I already have the space I want/need), but from my significant other's mom, there would be tension. Especially since we would be living with her.

At her house, there are two levels of living area. She lives upstairs where there are two bedrooms, a living area, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a dining area, and a little office nook. I was under the assumption that we would be living in the basement. Where there are 2 bedrooms, a bathroom, storage space, and a separate living area. We would only go upstairs to eat if we needed to. So that we would still have some feeling of separation, like we are adults. Derick is terrified of spiders, and the basement gets a few of them, but he wants to live upstairs. I don't. I want to feel separated, like we are by ourselves.

I feel like living under the same roof, and being literally closer, is going to break me. I like separation and space. I like having independence. I don't want to put a damper on that. Because it won't make me happy. Well, I mean, it's not like I'm as happy as can be right now anyway, due to the job situation. But it sure wouldn't help me, that's for certain. But even my parents don't think it's a good idea to live under either of our parents roofs. My dad even had a pretty lengthy conversation with me about how he doesn't think I should live with parents, whether it's my own or someone else's. He thinks I should continue to be independent (as I just typed that word, I was singing it like in that rap song that goes I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that mean mayne? Haha) as I am a grown woman and an adult and not a kid anymore.

As much as a relationship is about compromise, I feel like there are times where it is ok to be selfish. But I also feel like what I'm willing to agree to is still compromising. Like this: I'm agreeing to stay there, as long as we can be in the basement. Because he wants to move there (if I had my way, I'd get a cheap studio apartment and hide my dogs), but I'd want to stay in the basement. So I'd agree to stay there (giving him his way about the place we'd live), only if we could come to an agreement to stay downstairs (I choose to live downstairs instead of upstairs).

I used to live with an ex and his parents, nearly 2 years ago. Their house was only 1 level, but their bedroom and the laundry room were on one side of the house. The kitchen/dining/living room were in the middle of the house. Then our room and bathroom and guest rooms were on the opposite side of the house, so there was still a feeling of separation. I didn't want to live there, and I voiced my opinion so many times that I wanted to live alone, but what I said didn't matter. So I sucked it up and stayed there for just over a year, but I wasn't happy. I didn't have the privacy or space I needed. Friends couldn't come over to hang out (not that I really have any anymore...) and I had to follow someone else's rules.

I still felt like a child and that is how I feel now. Like I won't be able to be an adult, on my own. I won't have time with just Derick and me. We will always have others surrounding us. I'm usually pretty good at adapting to new situations, but I don't like the suffocation I feel when we can't be alone.

I'd just like to be able to go to Wal-Mart or Fred Meyer, just us. I want to be able to pay bills, just us. It would be fabulous to live, just us (and our dogs, and maybe if Derick wasn't so allergic to cats I could get my Booter boy back).

I don't really know how to say it without sounding so harsh, but I'd just like to have minimal contact/interaction with truly everyone and just be able to live a life focused on being a couple. Without interruptions from others wanting to be a part of our relationship. Without having to have others support us financially.

I also don't have a clever way to end this post. But could certainly use advice on how to handle this situation. That is, if anyone reads this. Ever.