Sometimes, I wish I had a little more patience, and didn't get so good at holding everything in for so long to the point where I feel like I'm going to break down. I'd still be working at Safeco, I'd be able to go to school, and I wouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck.
Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for my job, and I work with a bunch of great people. I just didn't realize how many bills I had, and how lucky I was to be making as much money as I did during my time at Safeco. I'd give my left arm to have my job back.
I sure did complain about the job there, how I used to say I didn't like it and it was so stressful. Which there were days I felt like that. But it wasn't all the time.
* * * * *
I was SOOOO excited when I first started my job. I made a lot of great friends, I was making good money (especially for someone my age), and I didn't have to constantly have to try to sell anything like I did at my job prior to Safeco.
Time went on, and after training I still enjoyed my job, even though my manager wasn't the least bit great. She was a great lady when talking to her about non-work-related things, but when it came to work, she wasn't great. Which was stressful because if there were months that I struggled, I wouldn't get the help I needed. Eventually I started not caring because I had a manager who, even if it was unintentional, acted like she didn't care about the success of her team either.
It wasn't even just the fact that she didn't care about my success with the company. After my car accident, it was as if neither she nor her boss cared. Maybe it was because I wasn't measuring up to my job expectations for a temporary bit of time, but even though I admit I wasn't trying as hard as I should have been, it wasn't just me to blame.
When I was in my accident, it was a few days after the fact that I started having terrible back pain. I had also recently fallen in a parking lot that wasn't properly maintained in the wintertime, so that would have also been a factor in my pain. Either way, I was hurting constantly.
I went to my regular doctor, and he prescribed muscle relaxants but referred me to a chiropractor since the problem seemed more serious. After going to my chiropractor, he determined that my pelvis was off balance, and it had been rotated, so when I sat for long periods of time, the stress of it caused pain in my spine.
The company was unwilling to approve FML time off to go to the doctor, or a temporary schedule change so I could heal. Because I sat all day for my job, I had to go to the doctor in order to work. It wasn't just like a flu that would go away with time. They also would fire me if I called in too much.
After SIX weeks of waiting for something to happen, nothing did. I was told that 'the company understands your health concerns, but we also have a business to run, and that comes first.' My pelvis was getting a stress fracture, almost enough to be considered broken. But my job didn't care, because it didn't happen at work. So I had to set out and find a job where I could go to the doctor and not risk being unemployed because I had been hurt.
* * * * *
Anyway, now because I am struggling financially and living paycheck to paycheck, not to mention putting pressure on Derick for having to help more with bills since I can't afford what I have anymore, as well as struggling with meeting my goals at work, not being able to pursue my dream of going to school, among other things, I have been ridiculously depressed. Which is embarrassing. I hate admitting that I am down. I love being happy. I miss being happy, or at least content.
Nobody really knows about my struggle with anxiety and depression. My dad was with me when I had my first panic attack, and it scared the you-know-what out of him. It terrified my mom when she heard what happened. And I've just kind of kept to myself and kept quiet about it since then. I didn't want to be judged or be called names, or have people think I was some suicidal freak or something.
I don't want to sit here and whine, because that doesn't help anyone. It's just annoying. But I do hope and pray that things will turn around. Because I don't need a repeat panic attack like I had during my senior year of high school. I feel like I'm almost to that point, and like I'm not good enough a lot of the time.
Nobody understands, and just says to get over it and to buck up and take it like a man. Well, that's basically what they say. Not with those words. They say 'it's time to be strong'. They don't understand that I've already been strong for so long, and I can't be strong anymore. I can't hold it in anymore.
Because of this, I just feel like a loser to be honest. I cry over the stupidest things. My cat went missing recently, and even though it was only for a night, I bawled like I had lost one of my parents. It wasn't even just that I thought I lost my baby, but I just had to let all my frustrations out. I can't be strong anymore. I'm a lot weaker than most know. I wish I could change it.
I always feel like crying. Always. Again, it makes me feel like such a loser. But I feel like a failure. At my job, at being a good person, at going to school and following my dreams. I don't put it in my head myself. Others around me are who put it in my head. I shouldn't listen to them, but the more they tell me to not go to school, the more they tell me that they don't know why they are paying me because I'm not meeting my numbers at work, the more I hear how to be a better girlfriend and what to do different in my relationship by someone I'm not even dating, the more I feel like they are right, That I am undeserving and that I just can't succeed at anything. And because those are the things that mean the most to me, and apparently I can't do any of it the right way, according to everyone around me, it hurts even more.
Luckily, for now, I have an amazing family and the greatest boyfriend and a wonderful couple of close friends who help calm me, even if it's just temporary. I pray for a change to make myself permanently okay. And soon.
Here is a picture of the man who helps me keep my chin up high and tells me that I am wonderful and that I *CAN*. I love him.
The company was unwilling to approve FML time off to go to the doctor, or a temporary schedule change so I could heal. Because I sat all day for my job, I had to go to the doctor in order to work. It wasn't just like a flu that would go away with time. They also would fire me if I called in too much.
After SIX weeks of waiting for something to happen, nothing did. I was told that 'the company understands your health concerns, but we also have a business to run, and that comes first.' My pelvis was getting a stress fracture, almost enough to be considered broken. But my job didn't care, because it didn't happen at work. So I had to set out and find a job where I could go to the doctor and not risk being unemployed because I had been hurt.
* * * * *
Anyway, now because I am struggling financially and living paycheck to paycheck, not to mention putting pressure on Derick for having to help more with bills since I can't afford what I have anymore, as well as struggling with meeting my goals at work, not being able to pursue my dream of going to school, among other things, I have been ridiculously depressed. Which is embarrassing. I hate admitting that I am down. I love being happy. I miss being happy, or at least content.
Nobody really knows about my struggle with anxiety and depression. My dad was with me when I had my first panic attack, and it scared the you-know-what out of him. It terrified my mom when she heard what happened. And I've just kind of kept to myself and kept quiet about it since then. I didn't want to be judged or be called names, or have people think I was some suicidal freak or something.
I don't want to sit here and whine, because that doesn't help anyone. It's just annoying. But I do hope and pray that things will turn around. Because I don't need a repeat panic attack like I had during my senior year of high school. I feel like I'm almost to that point, and like I'm not good enough a lot of the time.
Nobody understands, and just says to get over it and to buck up and take it like a man. Well, that's basically what they say. Not with those words. They say 'it's time to be strong'. They don't understand that I've already been strong for so long, and I can't be strong anymore. I can't hold it in anymore.
Because of this, I just feel like a loser to be honest. I cry over the stupidest things. My cat went missing recently, and even though it was only for a night, I bawled like I had lost one of my parents. It wasn't even just that I thought I lost my baby, but I just had to let all my frustrations out. I can't be strong anymore. I'm a lot weaker than most know. I wish I could change it.
I always feel like crying. Always. Again, it makes me feel like such a loser. But I feel like a failure. At my job, at being a good person, at going to school and following my dreams. I don't put it in my head myself. Others around me are who put it in my head. I shouldn't listen to them, but the more they tell me to not go to school, the more they tell me that they don't know why they are paying me because I'm not meeting my numbers at work, the more I hear how to be a better girlfriend and what to do different in my relationship by someone I'm not even dating, the more I feel like they are right, That I am undeserving and that I just can't succeed at anything. And because those are the things that mean the most to me, and apparently I can't do any of it the right way, according to everyone around me, it hurts even more.
Luckily, for now, I have an amazing family and the greatest boyfriend and a wonderful couple of close friends who help calm me, even if it's just temporary. I pray for a change to make myself permanently okay. And soon.
Here is a picture of the man who helps me keep my chin up high and tells me that I am wonderful and that I *CAN*. I love him.
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