Bottle-full of Feelings?

Sometimes, you can't find the right words to describe how you're feeling. You don't know how to think, what to say, how to react. Sometimes, you just have to bottle up all of your emotions until the bottle is so full that the cork won't stick. Sometimes, it takes that much for everything to finally make sense in your mind, and in your heart.

I'm letting the cork out now - in writing. Some say it's better to confront whoever/whatever is causing you so much grief, but I usually prefer to steer clear of any confrontation due to my fear of rejection, and not being taken seriously. So I get my frustrations out here - I'm just not sure if anyone else out there (other than my computer) will be listening, but here goes.

I'm the type of person that needs to be shown love, in a way that I will recognize it. Not in some secretive, 'FBI-can't-even-dig-deep-enough-to-uncover-it' sort of way. Otherwise, I basically will feel like dirt. I've had some self-esteem problems since I was basically starting my senior year of high school. I felt that everything about me needed to change, from my gapped-tooth smile to the number that pops up on the scale as I step on. Mainly my image is what bothered me.

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Shortly after I turned 17, my sister, cousins, and I went on a walk down to our local grocery store, and took a shortcut through a fairly new apartment complex. We saw two boys doing BMX tricks on their bikes in the lights that shined from the street into the parking lot. Because it was nearly 9pm, and mid-September, it began to get dark a lot more quickly, and we had a hard time seeing everything. My sister thought it was one of our mutual friends, so we yelled for the boys to come over our way.

Turns out, it wasn't who we thought it was. But these two boys were cute, charming, and really nice. We all talked for a while and exchanged numbers, and off we went.

After about a month, the older, blonde-haired kid made me his girlfriend. It was my first 'real' boyfriend I'd ever had. I was always shy in school and didn't have many friends, so it made me feel really great about myself, that someone was attracted to me, and enough so that they wanted to date me!

After a month or two, things started to turn sour. He essentially pressured me into doing sexual things that I was not ready for, but he was my first 'real' boyfriend, and the things you hear about in school just really make you think that you are supposed to do these things, and they're normal. Even after awhile, I was still not comfortable, but he still was with me and I was doing the things he wanted me to do. I thought that is what happened when you love someone. Because 'fairy tales' don't happen in real life.

In October or November, this boyfriend went PSYCHO and ended up beating up his old roommate, who happened to be the son of a police officer. After that happened, I was scared and called my parents to come get me. They forbade me to see him anymore, and although I was blind at the time, I see they really had my best interest in mind.

I would end up sneaking out to see him, because he would threaten to call off our relationship if I didn't bow down to him and do everything I asked. He didn't have a car, and he wasn't allowed over, so I had to be the sneaky one.

He would always ask me to do more things that made me feel uncomfortable, and if I didn't obey, he would hit me, pinch me, pull my hair, physically fight with me, hold me down on a bed and RAPE me as I was kicking and trying to scream, but he would cover my nose and mouth so I couldn't breathe. Sometimes I would bite him until my teeth cut through his skin, but he would keep going. I was constantly covering up bruises and marks on my body from where he harmed me. He threatened to me that if I ever got the police involved, or if I ever sent him to jail, he would use his one call he got to set up a gang rape. Today, I am not sure if he would have done that or not, but it terrified me at the time, so I just handled the torture.

Sometimes the neighbors could hear me screaming, but they never tried to see what was going on. This boyfriend would also tell me how fat I was, how I needed to change my appearance and lose weight so that he would be more attracted to me. I didn't eat, and I lost a lot of weight. My dad had an idea of what was going on, but I always stuck up for this boy, because I felt that he loved me and that is how love worked, and my dad didn't want to lose me.

Anyway, after awhile, we were constantly breaking up and getting back together. Finally, after 10 months, I was able to see the light and get the courage to say I never wanted to get back together with him. He was begging and pleading for me to come back, and was confessing his 'love' for me, apologizing over and over again. But I didn't turn back.

He would continue to call me, leave me voicemails, and send nasty text messages that caused me to have multiple panic attacks. One of the times, I was driving and had no clue where I was or what was happening, I was supposed to be at work, but somehow I was driving back towards my work from the downtown area - to this day, I still have no idea how I got there. I called my dad, panicking, and he told me to pull over at a gas station. When he got there, I was hyperventilating, I couldn't feel my hands or my feet, and I could not stop crying. My dad asked me if I had taken any drugs, and I said 'of course not!' through my tears. He had to call 911 and the paramedics had to help calm me down, and almost gave me some sort of shot to get me out of the shock-mode I was in.

I truly feared for my life. Eventually, the calls and messages stopped, but I always am afraid that he is following me, that he knows where I am, that one day I might be driving right next to him and he will shoot me.

I believe this is where I lost all of my self-confidence, and my anxiety and depression began.

After that, I dated someone for just over two years, and he never was physically abusive, but if I messed up dinner, or accidentally washed money through the washer, I would get told I was 'retarded' or 'stupid'. I would always get told how fat I was and get yelled at for anything and everything. I sure know how to pick 'em...

Now, back to the story!

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Recently, I have felt like I don't measure up to what is expected of me. I will admit that I am lazy, sometimes I will slack on dishes or laundry, but I will catch up. I do have two dogs to care for that need more attention than a toddler, and taking care of them and the house, plus trying to look for and apply for and interview for jobs all seems to wear me down more than I could have ever imagined.

I've also gained weight, which does not help with my self-confidence issues, and I rarely will wear makeup since I don't leave the house unless it's for a job interview or to the grocery store.

I won't post all of the details here, but I will just say that there have been a series of events that have led my mind to believe that in my current relationship, love is lacking. Like I am no longer good enough.

I realize that anything physical isn't the root of all relationships, and I know that as a Christian woman I will be judged. I have no excuses, and am willing to admit that I am not a virgin, nor am I married. But when you are in a relationship where it was 'the norm', with a totally handsome boyfriend that couldn't wait to be off work to see you and kiss you and hold you (and maybe more), and now it's nothing more than 'good morning kisses' and 'good night' kisses, you start to wonder what is wrong with you.

I might be crazy, but it seems like even the bathroom and the tv get more time with him than I do. And I just don't know what to feel, how to think, what to say. Any time I bring up those recent events, I feel like what I have to say is not important and my feelings are disregarded. I hate feeling that way, but bringing it up just makes it worse. So I guess in the end, I have to say the only way I can let the cork out of the bottle is here, in writing, where I won't feel rejected or where my feelings won't feel inferior.

That's all that's on my mind tonight. I don't even have a clever way to end this post. Time for bed!

Praying for Change - My Secret Struggle

Sometimes, I wish I had a little more patience, and didn't get so good at holding everything in for so long to the point where I feel like I'm going to break down. I'd still be working at Safeco, I'd be able to go to school, and I wouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for my job, and I work with a bunch of great people. I just didn't realize how many bills I had, and how lucky I was to be making as much money as I did during my time at Safeco. I'd give my left arm to have my job back.

I sure did complain about the job there, how I used to say I didn't like it and it was so stressful. Which there were days I felt like that. But it wasn't all the time.

* * * * *

I was SOOOO excited when I first started my job. I made a lot of great friends, I was making good money (especially for someone my age), and I didn't have to constantly have to try to sell anything like I did at my job prior to Safeco.

Time went on, and after training I still enjoyed my job, even though my manager wasn't the least bit great. She was a great lady when talking to her about non-work-related things, but when it came to work, she wasn't great. Which was stressful because if there were months that I struggled, I wouldn't get the help I needed. Eventually I started not caring because I had a manager who, even if it was unintentional, acted like she didn't care about the success of her team either.

It wasn't even just the fact that she didn't care about my success with the company. After my car accident, it was as if neither she nor her boss cared. Maybe it was because I wasn't measuring up to my job expectations for a temporary bit of time, but even though I admit I wasn't trying as hard as I should have been, it wasn't just me to blame.

When I was in my accident, it was a few days after the fact that I started having terrible back pain. I had also recently fallen in a parking lot that wasn't properly maintained in the wintertime, so that would have also been a factor in my pain. Either way, I was hurting constantly.

I went to my regular doctor, and he prescribed muscle relaxants but referred me to a chiropractor since the problem seemed more serious. After going to my chiropractor, he determined that my pelvis was off balance, and it had been rotated, so when I sat for long periods of time, the stress of it caused pain in my spine.

The company was unwilling to approve FML time off to go to the doctor, or a temporary schedule change so I could heal. Because I sat all day for my job, I had to go to the doctor in order to work. It wasn't just like a flu that would go away with time. They also would fire me if I called in too much.

After SIX weeks of waiting for something to happen, nothing did. I was told that 'the company understands your health concerns, but we also have a business to run, and that comes first.' My pelvis was getting a stress fracture, almost enough to be considered broken. But my job didn't care, because it didn't happen at work. So I had to set out and find a job where I could go to the doctor and not risk being unemployed because I had been hurt.

* * * * *

Anyway, now because I am struggling financially and living paycheck to paycheck, not to mention putting pressure on Derick for having to help more with bills since I can't afford what I have anymore, as well as struggling with meeting my goals at work, not being able to pursue my dream of going to school, among other things, I have been ridiculously depressed. Which is embarrassing. I hate admitting that I am down. I love being happy. I miss being happy, or at least content.

Nobody really knows about my struggle with anxiety and depression. My dad was with me when I had my first panic attack, and it scared the you-know-what out of him. It terrified my mom when she heard what happened. And I've just kind of kept to myself and kept quiet about it since then. I didn't want to be judged or be called names, or have people think I was some suicidal freak or something.

I don't want to sit here and whine, because that doesn't help anyone. It's just annoying. But I do hope and pray that things will turn around. Because I don't need a repeat panic attack like I had during my senior year of high school. I feel like I'm almost to that point, and like I'm not good enough a lot of the time.

Nobody understands, and just says to get over it and to buck up and take it like a man. Well, that's basically what they say. Not with those words. They say 'it's time to be strong'. They don't understand that I've already been strong for so long, and I can't be strong anymore. I can't hold it in anymore.

Because of this, I just feel like a loser to be honest. I cry over the stupidest things. My cat went missing recently, and even though it was only for a night, I bawled like I had lost one of my parents. It wasn't even just that I thought I lost my baby, but I just had to let all my frustrations out. I can't be strong anymore. I'm a lot weaker than most know. I wish I could change it.

I always feel like crying. Always. Again, it makes me feel like such a loser. But I feel like a failure. At my job, at being a good person, at going to school and following my dreams. I don't put it in my head myself. Others around me are who put it in my head. I shouldn't listen to them, but the more they tell me to not go to school, the more they tell me that they don't know why they are paying me because I'm not meeting my numbers at work, the more I hear how to be a better girlfriend and what to do different in my relationship by someone I'm not even dating, the more I feel like they are right, That I am undeserving and that I just can't succeed at anything. And because those are the things that mean the most to me, and apparently I can't do any of it the right way, according to everyone around me, it hurts even more.

Luckily, for now, I have an amazing family and the greatest boyfriend and a wonderful couple of close friends who help calm me, even if it's just temporary. I pray for a change to make myself permanently okay. And soon.


Here is a picture of the man who helps me keep my chin up high and tells me that I am wonderful and that I *CAN*. I love him.

Positive Life Changes

First off, I feel like I need to pay more attention to this blog. I've been neglecting it, and it has truly been the best way for me to get my feelings out, to express myself.

Anywho, just a quick check in.

Recently:

• I was involved in a hit-and-run car accident (I was hit, THEY ran. Just so we're clear).
• I also became unhappy with my job at the insurance company, so I got a new position. Still working in the insurance biz, just with another insurance company in a local office, rather than a call center.
• Derick and I got tired of living the apartment, so we are applying for a duplex near where we are now, and we plan to live with one of our friends.

Mid December, Derick and I had some couples photos taken by my friend, Jeremy. He is a fabulous photographer, and I always like helping him out with getting more experience and helping him pay some bills!
You can check out his site here: http://www.jeremykitchenphotography.com/
You can check out his Facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/jeremykitchenphotography

Here are a few photos from our time with Jeremy and his camera!

One of my absolute favorites.

Candy cane kiss. :)

Sooooo happy.

LOVE. <3

Christmas has passed since my last post, and boy that was a fabulous few days. I spent the day with my family, Derick, and his family. We all exchanged gifts and ate amazing food all day on Christmas Eve and Christmas. Christmas was amazing, being able to spend some much needed time with my family. Also, I may be conceited or a bad person but I also enjoyed giving and receiving gifts. I was able to spoil my family and Derick. I may have gone a little overboard but everyone was happy. :)

Derick got me some incredible gifts. Nook Color (which I've always wanted!), perfume, and an iPod.

My absolute favorite gift though was this:

He is so amazing. Guys don't just buy jewelry for their girlfriend, so I feel special. :) I appreciate him. Not a day goes by that I don't wear the necklace and earrings. I am terribly grateful for this man, I don't know why 'we' didn't happen sooner. He is so good to me. I love him like crazy.

New Year's also passed, Derick was SOOOOOOO gone by the time I got there, and wanted to come home at 10. I didn't get my midnight kiss that I've dreamed about for the longest time. There's always next year! That night, I wasn't feeling too hot, mainly from the couple drinks I had (literally 2 and I was feeling sick...such a lightweight LOL), so I got up around 12:30am and had a short-term relationship with the toilet. I went out to the living room afterwards, because if I got sick again I didn't want to be too late and get it all in the bed and all over Derick. Lucky for me that I went to the couch. Apparently sometime between 1am and 6am Derick got sick all over in the bed and woke up in his own puke chunks. EEW. So I woke up to him doing laundry at 6am. Haha.

February 13th passed as well, which was our 6 months. Just in time for Valentine's Day. :) I made Derick a jar with 366 pieces of paper, each with a little note writing something about why I love him. He got me a ton of candy, some Hot Tamales (my favorite, and he is WELL aware!), 10 balloons and all his love. <3

Now it's March 1st. We are in our (hopefully) last month at this apartment. We are going this afternoon to look at a duplex that we are going to apply for. I hope we get it! I also start my new job next Monday, and Derick and I are going to the Blake Shelton/Justin Moore concert next Thursday. Everything is going amazing right now, I can only hope it continues this way.

I've always thought I've deserved to be happy, and I never imagined my life could be this fabulous. I am truly happy with where I am in life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

<3