Down.

The other day, my best friend asked me if I was happy. I answered yes, I mean, of course I'm happy. But now that I think about it, I really just feel like I'm locked in a corner and can't get out. Like I have to tell myself I'm happy, because that's what I've been telling myself for some time now.

I guess I never really thought about it. I have an awesome job. My family loves me. I have amazing friends. My cat loves me. But I just feel like I'm not 100% there.

Today my sister asked me if I was happy. She said to me, "you're just not the same as you used to be."

I remember the old me. I would always laugh and have life in my eyes. I was always smiling, and always in a really good mood. Nothing could bring me down.

Now I just feel sometimes like I'm not good enough. I feel like I can't do anything right. There is always so much arguing (either that or silence). Nothing is fun anymore.

I don't hang out with my friends anymore (except Amanda and my sister). I feel like whenever I'm not at home is when I'm the happiest. When I'm at work talking to people there, with Amanda on the weekends, or with my family is really when I feel like I can just be myself and not feel trapped.

There is so much stress when I'm home. Never getting along. I feel like when I'm home, I can't compare and I just can't ever get it right.

Arguing over poptart crumbs in the bed or an open dresser drawer. Fighting because I ask a question during a movie. Telling me I can just leave and go to my parents' house or saying I should go live somewhere else  because we can't stand to be in the same room as one another at some times.

When I play all the scenarios in my head, I get scared. What if I am going to be like this forever? Will I ever feel like I'm happy, like the sun is shining in my body all the time? Or will I just sit here in silence and take it. Because I feel like since I've already been doing it for so long, that I should just keep living my life the same way. I'm already so used to it.

What if I let out my feelings, and everything turns around? What if I put an ultimatum out there, and say "I'm tired of always arguing, tired of always having the blame put on me, tired of you getting angry at the drop of a hat over something so ridiculous"? What if everything changes?

What if I ask for my space, and he finds his own space that is cozier with someone else, and I end up regretting everything and miss everything we had?

What if I ask for my space, and he ends up heartbroken and depressed, and I do too but I know if I go back it will be nothing but argument after argument?

We're like the old married couple. Together probably because it's been so long that we feel like we have to. I love him with everything I have, but I'm just not happy anymore. Or as happy as I could be.

I'm tired of the "joking". Calling each other names, criticizing each other, calling each other "retard" or "fat". All the teasing. My family didn't grow up this way, and although I put up a front like nothing will hurt me, I have feelings. I'm a pretty sensitive person.

I'm sick of not doing anything but staying home. Never going on dates, never going to lunch or to a movie. Never wanting to go on a simple walk. Just laying in bed, ignoring each other while we're on Facebook (me) or Craigslist (him) and only talk to each other when it's time to go to sleep. Then it's an argument who is going to get out of bed and shut the light off.

One of his friends told him, "usually after 2 years, you're either married, planning on getting married, or no longer together because it just won't work." It upset me and I wonder if it's even true.

Sitting in my bathroom writing this, crying my eyes out, I don't know what to do. I am great at giving others advice yet I can't even take my own. Quite pathetic if you ask me.