Down.

The other day, my best friend asked me if I was happy. I answered yes, I mean, of course I'm happy. But now that I think about it, I really just feel like I'm locked in a corner and can't get out. Like I have to tell myself I'm happy, because that's what I've been telling myself for some time now.

I guess I never really thought about it. I have an awesome job. My family loves me. I have amazing friends. My cat loves me. But I just feel like I'm not 100% there.

Today my sister asked me if I was happy. She said to me, "you're just not the same as you used to be."

I remember the old me. I would always laugh and have life in my eyes. I was always smiling, and always in a really good mood. Nothing could bring me down.

Now I just feel sometimes like I'm not good enough. I feel like I can't do anything right. There is always so much arguing (either that or silence). Nothing is fun anymore.

I don't hang out with my friends anymore (except Amanda and my sister). I feel like whenever I'm not at home is when I'm the happiest. When I'm at work talking to people there, with Amanda on the weekends, or with my family is really when I feel like I can just be myself and not feel trapped.

There is so much stress when I'm home. Never getting along. I feel like when I'm home, I can't compare and I just can't ever get it right.

Arguing over poptart crumbs in the bed or an open dresser drawer. Fighting because I ask a question during a movie. Telling me I can just leave and go to my parents' house or saying I should go live somewhere else  because we can't stand to be in the same room as one another at some times.

When I play all the scenarios in my head, I get scared. What if I am going to be like this forever? Will I ever feel like I'm happy, like the sun is shining in my body all the time? Or will I just sit here in silence and take it. Because I feel like since I've already been doing it for so long, that I should just keep living my life the same way. I'm already so used to it.

What if I let out my feelings, and everything turns around? What if I put an ultimatum out there, and say "I'm tired of always arguing, tired of always having the blame put on me, tired of you getting angry at the drop of a hat over something so ridiculous"? What if everything changes?

What if I ask for my space, and he finds his own space that is cozier with someone else, and I end up regretting everything and miss everything we had?

What if I ask for my space, and he ends up heartbroken and depressed, and I do too but I know if I go back it will be nothing but argument after argument?

We're like the old married couple. Together probably because it's been so long that we feel like we have to. I love him with everything I have, but I'm just not happy anymore. Or as happy as I could be.

I'm tired of the "joking". Calling each other names, criticizing each other, calling each other "retard" or "fat". All the teasing. My family didn't grow up this way, and although I put up a front like nothing will hurt me, I have feelings. I'm a pretty sensitive person.

I'm sick of not doing anything but staying home. Never going on dates, never going to lunch or to a movie. Never wanting to go on a simple walk. Just laying in bed, ignoring each other while we're on Facebook (me) or Craigslist (him) and only talk to each other when it's time to go to sleep. Then it's an argument who is going to get out of bed and shut the light off.

One of his friends told him, "usually after 2 years, you're either married, planning on getting married, or no longer together because it just won't work." It upset me and I wonder if it's even true.

Sitting in my bathroom writing this, crying my eyes out, I don't know what to do. I am great at giving others advice yet I can't even take my own. Quite pathetic if you ask me.

People watching, Dairy Queen, and home loans: My life in a nutshell.

The past couple of days have been pretty wonderful if you ask me.

Yesterday was probably my favorite though. I went on a "date" with my youngest sister, Misty. She's 10 but has the wits, mind, and vocabulary of an 18 year old. SO SMART.

We got lunch at the mall, told a lot of jokes, and did some people watching. We also went to Fuzziwigs and got 2 pounds of candy! I can't even believe I got that much. She got one of those tube things that you fill up with different colored powdered candy. It was pretty embarrassing because we couldn't figure out how to make the powder come out of the machine for the longest time. People stared. :(

After this, we got some yummy ice cream from Dairy Queen. Like I have probably mentioned before, Misty is really witty. And hilarious. She told me something that was funny, and of course, I laughed. Now, my laugh is, well, "unique". You can recognize it from a mile away. Misty said to me: "If your laugh was like a TV, it would always be at volume, like, one hundred." I've never thought of it that way. :D

We picked up Morgy (age 16.75) and I brought both girls home. Sounds like a stupid day in writing, but it was so fun. :)

Today flew by pretty fast too. Tomorrow is my "Friday" (since I have Fridays off, Thursdays are "Friday" to me) :) and then on actual Friday it's payday! It's pretty nice because I paid all of my bills for the month already so this entire check is basically going to go into my savings account :) yay for me! Getting closer to buying a house!

I really am so excited to make such a big jump in my life. I haven't even had my credit run but I know I would be able to get approved for a house. I won't apply until I am 21, but Josh works with a kid who is 19 only and is approved to finance $140k! I don't need a house that big, or that fancy, but it would be nice to know what I would be approved for!

It's American Idol time now, and you know the ritual here. Time to go watch Sexy Paul and Sexy Scotty sing their hearts out! <3

Fun Day.

Josh and I just got home from our date night, and were greeted by my loving little baby (the cat, not a human child!), who was laying in his bed (which is at the end of our bed) in the pitch black just waiting for us to come home. When we came in the door, I looked all around the house for him. He usually is laying at the foot of Josh's parents bed, where Baby, our family cat before Abu, used to sleep. I couldn't find him and finally made my way to my room. The only way I knew he was in here (like I said, it was pitch black) was when he heard my footsteps, he did a purr-meow (a mix between a purr and a meow, of course). He always makes that sound when he is excited to see his mama after a long day. He brings the biggest smiles to my face. I love him!

So, a review on our date. It was quite lovely, to tell you the truth.

The Melting Pot, that local fondue restaurant I mentioned earlier this afternoon, is absolutely AMAZING! It's such a cool atmosphere. You don't feel like you have to eat in a hurry then rush out of the place. It's quiet and relaxing. Our waiter, Patrick, was super funny. He had some pretty silly jokes and I can't recall a time when we weren't all laughing with him. He also mentioned he is half Filipino, like Josh and his sister, Cristine, which made an even better connection with us all. AND the manager (I'm not sure if he was also the owner) even came by to make sure we were being treated well and to thank us for the business we are giving him.

Although it was a bit of a hit on the bank account, the food was delicious. It came with so much variety and just tasted like heaven. Seriously. We got a four-course meal to divide between the 5 of us (plus little Londyn) and it was so filling.

The first course was cheese fondue. We got the family favorite - Spinach Artichoke dip. We also got another kind, and I forget what it was, but it was really good too. The base of it had beer in it. I almost felt like a rebel, being under 21 and eating beer-cheese. It also had jalapeno in it. Sounds like a silly combination, but really yummy.

They give you carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and apple chunks to dip in the cheese, as well as bread chunks (three different kinds, I remember one was French Bread and I believe one was Rye?) and those colored tortilla chips (red, purple and white).

Next course was salad. Josh, his sister, and parents all got this Shrimp Ceviche salad with lime juice and some other stuff. I don't eat seafood, so I got the House Salad. It was really good, and they didn't overload the dressing which was awesome. Also, from the talk at the table, the Shrimp Ceviche salad was great. I'm not speaking from my own experience, though.

Next was the main course. It came with shrimp, scallops, a lobster tail, roasted corn salsa stuffed raviolis, and a mix of pork, sirloin, filet mignon, and chicken pieces. You would put the piece of meat on the little fork and put it in one of the two broths for two minutes to allow the food to cook. Actually, the fork things are pretty long, not very small at all. Anyhow, all of the food was really flavorful. It also came with different sauces that you can put on your meats. The one I remember the most is the Ginger Plum sauce. I didn't get to try any, unfortunately, but I wish I had the chance. It sounded yummy!

Last but not least was the dessert course. Have I ever mentioned that I live for desserts? OH MY GOSH. So there were two chocolate fondue pots. One was chocolate with caramel and pecans, the other was chocolate with marshmallow and graham crackers. It was supposed to be oreos and not graham crackers, but the waiter accidentally brought out the graham crackers. Either way, it was all so tasty and we didn't care since he was really cool anyway! The "dippers" for this course included strawberries, bananas, cheesecake, rice krispy treat squares, pound cake pieces, brownie pieces, and marshmallows rolled in oreo crumbs and graham crackers. TO DIE FOR, I tell you. TO DIE FOR!

After dinner, Josh's family left and we stayed downtown and saw a movie. We chose to see Limitless with Bradley Cooper. Now, I need to get this off my chest. Bradley Coopers eyes are AMAZING!!!!!!!!! They're like an electric blue, almost. Gosh. I love them.

So, Limitless is about a writer whose girlfriend breaks up with him, so he ends up hooking up with his ex-brother-in-law and starts taking this pill called NZT. It makes it so you can access 100% of your brain, and everything around you registers and organizes itself in your brain so it's easily accessible and you understand everything. Since Bradley Cooper's character has access to this "amazing pill" he has these bad guys following him and well you know the rest. Just like any other action/drama. I really liked the movie.

When we left, it was like 9:30pm and the parking garage was empty. I felt really paranoid after that movie, I felt like someone was following us all the way home. But we're home now, safe and sound. Off to bed!

Date Night.

Tonight, Josh and I are going on a triple date. We never go on dates really, so I'm super excited!

Last night, he surprised me and took me to dinner at a local Mexican Restaurant called Rancho Viejo. I had an enchilada with that yummy mexican rice and refried beans. SOOOOOOO good. We got dessert too, which is, of course, the only reason I live. For the dessert.

I'm kidding. But, Mexican desserts are probably my favorite. Josh got this thing, I forget what it is called. But it's like a deep fried burrito. Instead of meat, cheese, beans and rice on the inside, it was filled with apples and cinnamon. It had honey and whipped cream on the top, and came with ice cream. I'd never had it before, and after trying it I fell in love!

I got deep fried ice cream, nothing special, but oh so tasty. I almost think I liked Josh's apple burrito better. If you know me, you know that I'd DIE for my deep fried ice cream!

Tonight, we are going to a fondue restaurant called The Melting Pot. We're going with Josh's parents Roy and Julie, his sister Cristine, and her daughter Londyn. I'm not a fan of crowds, or being with a big group of people. It makes me feel so uncomfortable, almost like claustrophobic. Hopefully the food is wonderful enough for me to forget about all the people around me!

Getting ready to leave :) Pardon the lighting, please.

Jennifer Lopez, Interviews, and Insurance: The Novel.

Maid in Manhattan. Just watched it for the first time. Yeah, I'm a late bloomer. It only came out, like, nine years ago, ok? So I'm really not *that* far behind.

Anyway, I loved it. Truthfully, the only reason I watched it was because my sister had to watch it as part of her homework. Her language arts class is focusing on different social classes or something like that. No, she isn't here. I usually do her homework for her (when it's the fun stuff, like watching these movies, or MATH. I LOVE MATH!), but don't tell her teacher. Please.

It's probably because I have a new-found love for Jennifer Lopez. I mean, I have always been a fan of her music and everything, but just recently I have begun to admire her for more than just her vocal talent.

You see, Josh's family is IN LOVE with American Idol, and for those of you crazy fools that don't know, Jennifer Lopez is one of the judges this season. Since his family loves the show, I have also become pretty hooked. I won't lie.

I've always liked her music, and always have thought she was a stunning lady. After watching American Idol this year, I can see how BIG of a heart she has. Sometimes, I wish I was as caring. Not that I'm an un-caring person or anything. Of course not. But seriously, other celebrities (and people who aren't famous) try to put on this front to (try to) make themselves look like they're all about stopping animal cruelty, helping homeless people get jobs, volunteering in third-world countries, and donating to charities to try to make themselves look like they're better than everyone else. I don't know, she just seems like the kind of person I want to be, honest and up front with everyone, beautiful on the inside and out (alright, I know, I've already mastered this part!), and REAL.

I've always had a strong dislike toward those people who are all about monetary things, trying to show off, trying to act as if they are better than everyone else. I kind of feel like I am surrounded by these people at work and outside of work too. It has made me kind of feel like I need to measure up to these people to show them that I am just as good as they are, and I'm pretty sure it hasn't had a positive effect on me.

Of course, I do care (a little bit) about what other people think about me, but I've never cared enough to try to change myself or anything like that. But I have noticed that I have been doing exactly what I hate, trying to make myself look better than someone else when I'm really not.

I used to work at a call center for a cell phone company. Pay was $9.25 an hour, and you got bonuses based on your sales performance. For only one year of college under my belt, and at age 18 and fresh out of high school, this was a pretty nice-paying job. Unless I wanted to work at McDonald's. But I didn't think that was the kind of job for me. I made tons of friends, a lot of whom I still am in contact with. I also learned customer service skills, and sales skills too.

After working for the company for about a year and a half, I got sick of it and decided I wanted to look elsewhere. I'm pretty lazy, so It really took me 6 months from that point to actually land a new job. A few of my friends I worked with had gotten hired at a different company. An insurance company. And they made BANK compared to my job. Especially since I really didn't try to make sales so I never ended up with bonuses. And since I really disliked my position in the company I would always call in to work. Never again will I do that.

Back to my story. So, I decided to apply for a job at this insurance company. It was down the road from my parents' house, which meant if I could secure a position there I could see my family more. Also, with a higher pay, I would be able to afford the things I wanted, instead of just scraping by and only being able to hardly afford the things I needed. I gave it a shot, and applied for a position in the claims department.

I received a call a few days later for a phone interview, and I passed. I was offered an on-site interview for the following Wednesday, which I was completely nervous for. Wednesday came around, and the nerves got to me. I ended up wearing WAY too much makeup (why did I think that would be impressive?). I was really fidgety and you could hear my voice tremble with all of the answers I would give the interviewer, Nicole. I really wanted to sound super smart, like the perfect candidate, and made up answers I thought they would like to hear, rather than what MANDY would answer. I'm pretty sure this impacted Nicole's decision not to hire me. And because the company will conduct hundreds of interviews and choose to hire only a small handful of people. Me being fake may have stood out, but negatively.

I was pretty bummed that I would continue to live on a small salary. My friend that I worked with at the cell phone company was in the insurance company's newest training class. She told me that this insurance company was hiring for the department she was just hired for, and urged me to apply. I filled out an application, and to be honest, I was kind of hopeless. I had been turned down once before, so it may just end up happening again, right?

This entire time, Josh was so great. He asked me interview questions, and told me to answer them how MANDY would, not how someone trying too desperately would. He gave me pointers, and was my cheerleader the entire way. He knew how unhappy I was at the cell phone company, and supported me and guided me through this potential new job process. His love and his help are what really helped me have more hope and believe that I could do it.

A few days after I submitted my application for this second position, I received a phone call. It was for a phone interview. Using the advice Josh gave me during our "practice interviews", I passed my second phone interview. They scheduled an on-site interview for me the following Wednesday (yes, again, on a Wednesday). Josh continued to help me with my wording, and helping me focus on who I am instead of who I thought an employer would want me to be.

Wednesday rolled around, and I felt as ready as I ever would for this interview. Keeping Josh in the back of my mind, I walked in the building. I met Becky, the woman who interviewed me. Just the way she spoke and her mannerisms made me feel comfortable, that I didn't have to put on a mask. I could just be MANDY. She had me take a computer test, and then once I finished she grabbed another manager, Mike, so we could have our face-to-face interview.

They were both a lot of fun to talk to. They would ask me about my life (not necessarily pertaining to the job, which made me feel like I could relax just a little bit), like my goals, family, where do I see myself in 5 years, et cetera. Mike would also joke around, and both he and Becky both had smiles on their faces during the entire interview process. After the interview, I felt like I was on top of the world. Josh helped me get through it, and I really don't think that I could have done it without him.

When I left the interview, I was told that I would be contacted either by phone or by email about the job. After a few days, I was starting to get worried because I didn't have any missed calls or unread emails. Finally, on my 20th birthday, I received a phone call from the woman I had my phone interview with. She said that Mike and Becky thought my interview went well, and she offered me the job. You have NO idea how excited I was! She didn't know it, but I was literally jumping up and down, spinning in circles, and did a back flip over my mom's couch while I was still on the phone accepting this job offer. I'm not even kidding. I don't think I could have been more happy, especially since this was all happening on my 20th birthday!

I told my mom and my sisters and my dad, and they were all happy for me. I was happy for me too. Josh was happy for me. The world was just full of happiness that day. I felt like the sun was shining just for me on that day. I'm pretty sure that it was really just shining for me.

Fast forward about 3 months, after I learned all of my training, after I started getting paychecks, after I had been at my new job for a few months. I was making about twice as much money as I did at the cell phone company, my job was just as easy, and I befriended a new group of people that was COMPLETELY different than the friends I made at the cell phone company job I had previously.

Now, Josh works at this cell phone company. A different department than I did, but the same company. I made a little bit more than he did now (since he had received three promotions in his 2 years there, he made more than the standard starting wage at $9.25 per hour), and I started acting like I was better than the "low life" people that still worked there. I don't know exactly what I did. Maybe it was my attitude. Maybe it was the way I talked about how much I hated the place. I'm not sure. But Josh pointed out to me that I used to be one of those people, and I didn't just become "better" now that I made more money.

That really got to me, and I realize how right he was. And how I was becoming that kind of person that, as I mentioned earlier, I really disliked. Someone who thought they were better than everyone else, all about monetary things, always trying to show off that I had a better job. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Now that I have had a taste of the "dark side", I realize how stupid it feels to act that way. To act like you're superior. It's the worst feeling. I had to become myself again. I had to become honest again. I had to remember that I used to be that person working for $9.25 to try and make a living. Just like Jennifer Lopez, I had to work to get where I am now, and it wasn't by being fake. It was by being me. Being REAL. Being MANDY.

Food for thought - mushy love post.

Tonight's just like any other night in the Stokes household - watching Showtime with Josh's parents and laughing until we can't laugh anymore. Since our favorite, Shameless, is over for the year, we're watching The Big C. This is probably one of my favorites shows in the world.

I really love this show. Actually, I love almost anything on Showtime. The Big C, Weeds, and Shameless. I just wish that Cathy would have told Paul that she had cancer sooner! Gosh, it annoyed me soooooo much that she would not tell anyone. It made her life such a mess. I mean, I can understand the reason she kept it a secret in the beginning, but keeping it a secret from Paul was stupid. It ruined her marriage (kind of?).

Josh's dad brought up a really good point. When you make that commitment to someone, marriage (or really, any serious relationship), you vow to share your lives with each other and live them together as one. I dunno, I just thought it was a good thought. It makes me glad that Josh and I are really open with each other, and honest with each other. I'm glad that I can tell him anything, and that he (usually) won't judge me if I need to let out my frustrations or if I have upset feelings over something really silly. Sometimes he will pick on me (which makes me smile anyway!), but usually he will shush up and listen.

Twenty-seven (and a half!) months together and still happy. Still strong. Even though we may have our little differences, and we may not always want to spend every second together, I know that we will continue to work as one down this ever-changing road they call a RELATIONSHIP, and keep falling more and more in LOVE. Well, I know I will. :)

(Two years ago, when I was almost bald and had no eyebrows.)

This is my life.

This is me. I'm almost 21. I like long walks on the beach, hot chocolate, and cats.

This is my boyfriend, Josh. We live together with his parents while we save up for a house we can call our own.

I also have a cat: Abu. No, not like the monkey off of the wonderful Disney classic, Aladdin. It means "gray" in Tagalog, Josh's mom Julie's native language. He's bigger now.

Josh has a niece. I like to call her my niece too. Londyn is her name.

I have a family. Two parents, four sisters, two dogs, and another cat.

This is my cute dad with my grandma in Arizona. We used to not be very close, but we have gotten past that. He is my favorite person ever!

Here's my mom. My best friend. I love her.

And the sisters.

First up, Melissa. A year and a half younger than me. All the boys like her. :) She doesn't usually try to be a gangster, though.

Morgan. Four years younger than me. She doesn't let anyone boss her around. Her hair isn't really purple, either.

Mallory, aka MalPal. Eight years younger than me, and probably eight years smarter than me too. Everyone says we look alike.

Misty. Very witty. Super funny. Ten years my junior, but acts my age.

Maxwell James Coffeehouse. My mama's dog. He's fat but we still love him.

Dazy. Name fits perfectly. She is a total dork and super energetic.

Rasha. My family's cat. She is 21, older than I am!

You have now met my family.

Feel free to keep stalking my blog and you can learn more about my life. It's oh-so-interesting. You'll see. :)